914.946.0848  .  contact  .  map & directions  .  subscribe  .  LinkedInFacebookTwitterGoogle+

Does the Truth Matter?

October 27, 2015  | 

{3:55 minutes to read} We all tend to adapt a story in retelling it.  It’s mostly small points, but sometimes people who may have lived through the event with us will notice that some liberties have been taken.

It doesn’t mean that the embellishment is done to purposely avoid the truth.  It could be:

  • How we actually recall the event;

  • Our “version” makes an amusing story more amusing; or,

  • It puts us in a more flattering light.

And in most cases, it really doesn’t matter.  We’re just telling stories to friends and family, and we’re not being held to a high standard of truth.

But does it matter when our clients each have a very different version of the same event?

As a mediator, it doesn’t matter to me because we are not in mediation to make a determination as to the truth or fiction of past events as told by the parties.  I explain to clients that we’re there to help them resolve their futures, and that I’m not a judge or jury who is going to render a decision as to who is telling the truth.

But if those conflicting stories continue to be raised, the differences between them must be very important to the parties.  Each of them firmly believes his or her point of view is what really happened, and what they remember is impacting how they feel about resolving the issues right now.

I don’t want to spend their time and money in the futile attempt to try to determine the truth of past events, but I also don’t just want to dismiss it as not relevant when it is clearly relevant to them.

If the issue is blocking them from moving forward, then it doesn’t really matter whether it’s true or not.  For each of them, their recollection is so ingrained that it is their reality.

So, I think it’s important to talk about how they are not going to change the other’s reality, and that we are not in mediation to discover which recollection is correct.  Rather, it’s a question of each of them accepting that the other person truly believes it to be true, even if they don’t agree with that recollection.  

The focus of the conversation then shifts to why the story is important to them and what can be done in the future to insure that their interests are met versus arguing about whose version of the past is correct.

Comments from Social Media

Good topic of discussion. To help people get interests met, they have to move off blaming and towards problem solving. Extremely difficult to do due to emotional hurt lowering visionary ideas. While the emotions have to be validated, the focus is indeed on "where can we go from here" or "what do we do now" or "how can we get interests met and feel more at peace?"

Michael Toebe

______________________________________________________

 

Clare Piro Attorney and Mediator

Attorney & Mediator
500 Mamaroneck Avenue | Suite 320
Harrison, NY 10528
Tel: 914.946.0848

Email »

Comments

Search
Topics
Mediation (140) | Divorce (131) | Separation (48) | Divorce Mediation (19) | Mediator (13) | Communication (11) | Litigation (11) | Child Support (11) | Conflict (10) | Separation Agreement (10) | Co-Parenting (8) | Parenting Plan (7) | Attorney (7) | Prenup (7) | Consultation (7) | Parenting (6) | Clare A. Piro (6) | Marital Home (6) | Clare A. Piro Mediation (6) | Collaborative Divorce (6) | Assets (5) | Children (5) | Finances (4) | Family (4) | Agreement (4) | Settlement (4) | CSSA (4) | Child Support Standards Act (4) | Expenses (4) | Marital Property (4) | Separate Property (4) | Marital Assets (4) | Equitable Distribution (4) | Divorce Mediator (3) | Clients (3) | Estate Documents (3) | Parent Coordinator (3) | Spousal Trust (3) | Divorce Coach (3) | Joint Decisions (3) | Child Consultant (3) | Prenuptial Agreement (3) | Divorce And Children (3) | Emotions (3) | Child Inclusive Mediation (3) | Informed Decisions (3) | Divorce Agreement (3) | Relationships (3) | Financial Professional (3) | Divorce Finances (3) | Clare Piro (3) | Negotiation (3) | Blended Families (3) | Listening (3) | Family Court (3) | Mediation Myths (3) | Responsibility (3) | Compromise (3) | Inheritance (2) | Surviving Spouse (2) | Estate (2) | Fairness (2) | Will (2) | Right Of Election (2) | Apology (2) | Humanity (2) | Law Professionals (2) | CDFA (2) | Anxiety (2) | Budgets (2) | Entitlement (2) | Equal Parenting Plan (2) | Pandemic (2) | Collaborative Practice (2) | Separation Agreements (2) | New York Child Support Statute (2) | Joint Decision Making (2) | Child Support Standards Act (CSSA) (2) | Moving Forward (2) | Spousal Support (2) | Attitude (2) | Mediate (2) | Selling The Marital Home (2) | Grace (2) | College Expenses (2) | Spouse (2) | Step-Children (2) | Bitterness (2) | Couples (2) | Mediation Benefits (2) | Agreements (2) | Mediation Versus Litigation (2) | Anger (2) | Step-Father (2) | Unrequited Love (2) | Truth (2) | Custody (2) | Certified Divorce Financial Analyst (CDFA) (2) | Step-Mother (2) | Post-Divorce Income (2) | Budget (2) | Trust Issues (2) | Calculating Support (2) | Seperation (2) | Settlement Agreements (2) | Legislation (2) | Change (2) | Conflict During Mediation (2) | Consulting Attorney (2) | Languish (1) | Holding On To Regrets (1) | Depression (1) | Thrive (1) | Facial Expression (1) | Biggest Regrets In Life (1) | Lack Of Focus (1) | Postnuptial Agreements (1) | New York’s Child Support And Maintenance (1) | Waiving Spousal Support (1) | Honest Conversation (1) | Opposites (1) | Personality (1) | Separate Property Credit (1) | Advocacy (1) | Regrets In Life (1) | Perspective (1) | Regrets (1) | Parenting Styles (1) | Coparenting (1) | Empowerment (1) | DecisionMaking (1) | Pensions (1) | Retirement (1) | Pension Plans (1) | Retirement Plans (1) | Legal Rights (1) | CoParenting (1) | Family Occasions (1) | Daniel Pink (1) | COVID 19 (1) | Rights Of Inheritance (1) | A Neutral (1) | An Advocate (1) | Short-term Marriage Divorce (1) | 50/50 Parenting Plan (1) | Non-Residential Parent (1) | Child Support Payment (1) | Custody Determination (1) | Child's Best Interests (1) | NYs Child Support Guidelines (CSSA) (1) | Transition Day (1) | On-Duty Parent Responsibilities (1) | 50/50 Parenting (1) | Caucus (1) | Agreement To Mediate (1) | Technical Difficulties (1) | Parenting Schedules (1) | Objective Standards In Mediation (1) | Impartiality (1) | Children And Divorce (1) | Co-parenting (1) | Primary Caretaker (1) | Domestic Violence (1) | Child Focused Mediation (1) | New Year Resolutions (1) | Learning From The Past (1) | New Year’s Resolutions (1) | Family Court Presumptive ADR Program (1) | Mediating Emails (1) | Tone Of Voice (1) | Communicating (1) | Family Mediations (1) | Intention (1) | Feelings (1) | Older Adults (1) | Eldercare (1) | Elder Mediation (1) | Older Parents (1) | Tough Decisions (1) | Anxious Thoughts (1) | Joseph Goldstein (1) | Expectations (1) | Pathological Liar (1) | Separate Living Without Divorce (1) | Qualified Domestic Relations Order (QDRO) (1) | Concession (1) | Support (1) | Hope (1) | Breast Cancer (1) | Default Provisions (1) | Lowest Acceptable Offer (1) | Divorce Terms (1) | Divorce Agreement Terms (1) | Postnup (1) | Ovarian Cancer (1) | Speak Up (1) | Commitment (1) | Being Understood (1) | Being Heard (1) | Divorce Needs (1) | Successful Mediations (1) | Cancer (1) | Mediation Caucus (1) | Support Connection (1) | Significant Others (1) | Real Estate And Divorce (1) | Joint Ownership Post Divorce (1) | Meditation (1) | Buyout (1) | Partial Buyout (1) | Separate Asset (1) | Inflation (1) | Self Reflection (1) | Interest Rates (1) | Self Compassion (1) | Children Of Divorce (1) | Marital Asset (1) | Buyout Options (1) | Consulting (1) | Active Listening (1) | Parenting Agreement (1) | New York Divorce Law (1) | Financial Professionals (1) | Real Estate Buyout (1) | Credit Against Child Support (1) | Post Divorce Budgets (1) | Collaboration (1) | Mediating Virtually (1) | Mediation Friendly Attorney (1) | Court (1) | Judge (1) | Pro-Rata (1) | Review Attorney (1) | Kirsten Powers (1) | Ideas (1) | Beliefs (1) | Saving Grace By Kirsten Powers (1) | Support Add-ons (1) | Bonuses (1) | Alternative Dispute Resolution (1) | ADR (1) | Presumptive ADR Program (1) | Pension (1) | Real Estate (1) | Commissions (1) | Income Level (1) | Actuarial Company (1) | Disagreements (1) | Unfaithful Spouse (1) | Emotional Trauma (1) | File A Petition (1) | Parent Coordinator (PC) (1) | Spousal Support Payments (1) | Unmarried (1) | Cohabitating (1) | Introducing Significant Others (1) | Decision Makers (1) | Cohabitation Agreement (1) | Final Decisions (1) | Contentment (1) | Matrimonial Practice (1) | Kindness (1) | Righteous Anger (1) | Mediation Process (1) | AcceptableOutcome (1) | Financial Impropriety (1) | Happiness (1) | Spousal Infidelity (1) | New York Family Court (1) | Prenuptial Agreement (Prenup) (1) | Nesting (1) | College (1) | Contribution (1) | Parents (1) | Compassion (1) | Hurricane Harvey (1) | Maritial Property (1) | Transmutation (1) | Commingling (1) | Married Couples (1) | Disclosure (1) | Moving On (1) | Conflicy (1) | Acknowledgement (1) | Power (1) | School Year (1) | Fall (1) | Extremes (1) | Unemployment (1) | Seperation Agreement (1) | Payments (1) | Maritial Assets (1) | Retirement Account (1) | Beneficiary (1) | Life Insurance (1) | Settlement Term (1) | Settle Agreement (1) | Therapy (1) | Dreaming (1) | Husband (1) | Financial Situation (1) | Custodial Parent (1) | Intervention (1) | Joint Account (1) | Financial Costs (1) | Installment Agreements (1) | Joint Legal Custody (1) | Negative Communication (1) | Divorce Papers (1) | Temporary Agreement (1) | Permanent Agreement (1) | Lack Of Trust (1) | Accusations Of Delay (1) | Tentative Agreements (1) | Kids (1) | Summer (1) | Mental Health (1) | Equity (1) | House (1) | Finding Love After Divorce (1) | Specialist (1) | Relocation (1) | New York State (1) | Self Determination (1) | Self-determination (1) | Difficult Clients (1) | Post-Divorce Dating (1) | Alone At The Holidays (1) | Moving On After Divorce (1) | Joint Physical Custody (1) | Parenting Post-Divorce (1) | Parenting Plans (1) | Halloween (1) | Fear Of Divorce (1) | Holidays Post-Divorce (1) | Holiday Blues (1) | Scared Of Divorce (1) | Control (1) | Balance (1) | Baby Boomers (1) | Living Apart (1) | Living Together (1) | Effects On Family (1) | Grandparents (1) | Divorce Law (1) | Marriage (1) | Resolution (1) | Scarcity (1) | Abundance (1) | Older Dogs (1) | Adopt Shelter Dogs (1) | 2015 (1) | Year In Review (1) | Mindfulness (1) | Equality (1) | Blame (1) | Advice (1) | Dogs (1) | New York (1) | Self-talk (1) | Wife (1) | Bankruptcy (1) | Coronavirus (1) | Meditate (1) | Property Distribution (1) | Equitable Distribution Statute (1) | Maintaining Calm (1) | Social Distancing (1) | Multiple Assets (1) | FinancialPortfolio (1) | Complicated Finances (1) | Mediation Misconceptions (1) | Apologizing (1) | But (1) | Court Vs Mediation (1) | Needs Vs Wants (1) | Court Process (1) | Financial Documents (1) | Marital Concerns (1) | Asset Distribution (1) | Fiancé (1) | Collaborative Process (1) | Attitudes Toward Prenups (1) | Custody Disputes (1) | Matrimonial Cases (1) | Power Of Regret (1) | Couples Counseling (1) | Understood (1) | Heard (1) | Guilt (1) | Separating (1) | Religious Holidays (1) | Cultural Holidays (1) | Parental Holiday Sharing (1) | Holiday Season (1) | Unhappy Relationship (1) | Lack Of Communication (1) | Social Security Assets In Divorce (1) | Holiday Co-Parenting (1) | COVID19 (1) | Court Order (1) | Returning To The Workforce (1) | Career Change (1) | Remain Healthy (1) | Maggie O’Connor (1) | Global Pandemic (1) | Financial Information (1) | Family Law Software (1) | MediationSession (1) | LawyerDivorceMediation (1) | Matrimonial Dispute (1) | Perfection (1) | FamilyMediation (1) | AttorneyPresence (1) | Remarriage After Divorce (1) | Family Enrichment (1) | Attitudes (1) | Significant Other (1) | Holiday Preparations (1) | Work Stress (1) | Personal Relationships (1) | Settlement Agreement (1) | Married (1) | Affair (1) | Public Trust (1) | Lies (1) | Spouses (1) | Dishonest (1) | Little White Lies (1) | Taking Responsibility (1) | Accepting Responsibility (1) | Patience (1) | Marriage Counseling (1) | Frame Of Mind (1) | Reluctant Spouse (1) | Time To Process (1) | Post Nuptial (1) | Mental Health Professional (1) | Lawyer (1) | Fear Of Separation (1) | PostNup (1) | Telling Your Spouse (1) | Seller (1) | Divorce Assets (1) | Emotional Attachment (1) | Dividing House Asset (1) | Ex-Spouse (1) | Refinance (1) | Equity Loan (1) | Buyer (1) | Cash Flow (1) | Interest Payments (1) | Mediating Onine (1) |
Connect
Close Announcement

Online Mediation Available

I am providing family and divorce mediation services online. Click to learn more.