914.946.0848  .  contact  .  map & directions  .  subscribe  .  LinkedInFacebookTwitterGoogle+

Don’t Underestimate the Power of Regret

June 3, 2020  | 

{3 minutes to read} I recently read an article in the New York Times by Dhruv Khullar, MD, in which he wrote about the possible detrimental health effects of feeling regret.

Dr. Khullar believes that doctors often ignore the toll that regret can have on someone: “We often don’t explore the role regret might be playing in the distress many patients and families experience, or acknowledge it when it’s clear that it is contributing to their pain.”

The article focused on regret and the consequential feeling of guilt experienced by someone who delayed addressing a health care concern, either for themselves or for a loved one. But it also noted other circumstances where feelings of regret can haunt someone.

Regret certainly has its place in a separation or divorce. Someone wanting to stay in the marriage could feel “if only I was more aware of their unhappiness, we would still be married.” Someone who prolonged leaving could feel regret about the economic consequences in having stayed married for a longer period of time.

Objectively, of course, it doesn’t help to feel regret. Adding guilt or being angry at yourself on top of the myriad of emotions you are feeling is not helpful. But how does one avoid it, or at least lessen its impact?

Dr. Khullar suggests:

“Simply naming regret — creating the space for patients to confront and explore this emotion is an important step ...”

In the medical context, he believes that the doctor should then reassure the patient or their family members that “they made the best decision they could with the information they had.” Further, the uncertainty of medicine does not guarantee that, even had the person acted in the way they feel they should have acted, the result would be different.

In the context of a couple separating, it’s also uncertain that having taken the action you regret not taking, the effect would have been different. You are always dealing with another person over whose feelings and emotions you have no control. You addressing your spouse’s unhappiness doesn’t guarantee that you would not have gotten separated. And letting the other person know you want out of the marriage may not have resulted in a timely separation and financially beneficial settlement, if they weren’t ready to move forward at that point.

So, if you’re feeling regret that is interfering with your ability to move on, get the reassurance and support that you need from a mental health professional, friends, or family. It can help you to stop blaming yourself, and recognize that contrary to popular belief, hindsight is not always 20/20, especially in areas where emotions are a large part of the dynamic. 

Clare Piro Attorney and Mediator

Attorney & Mediator
500 Mamaroneck Avenue | Suite 320
Harrison, NY 10528
Tel: 914.946.0848

Email »

Comments
Maryann M
July 31, 2020 - 7:25 AM
Enjoyed this article because it points out something we often forget in regret....that no one says the outcome would have been different. Dwelling on the past is such a waste of time but we all do it. We can't change it. Hopefully, we learned something from it and move forward with our lives. The human experience brings joy as well as pain. The human experience is also finite so move on and live. Thank you for sharing this article.

Search
Topics
Mediation (128) | Divorce (119) | Separation (36) | Divorce Mediation (19) | Mediator (13) | Child Support (11) | Litigation (11) | Separation Agreement (10) | Communication (10) | Conflict (10) | Attorney (7) | Prenup (7) | Co-Parenting (7) | Consultation (7) | Clare A. Piro (6) | Collaborative Divorce (6) | Parenting (6) | Marital Home (6) | Clare A. Piro Mediation (6) | Parenting Plan (5) | Children (5) | Assets (5) | Agreement (4) | Marital Assets (4) | Family (4) | Finances (4) | Settlement (4) | CSSA (4) | Child Support Standards Act (4) | Expenses (4) | Equitable Distribution (4) | Separate Property (4) | Relationships (3) | Informed Decisions (3) | Emotions (3) | Listening (3) | Family Court (3) | Estate Documents (3) | Divorce Agreement (3) | Prenuptial Agreement (3) | Blended Families (3) | Responsibility (3) | Clients (3) | Divorce Mediator (3) | Divorce Coach (3) | Child Inclusive Mediation (3) | Marital Property (3) | Joint Decisions (3) | Child Consultant (3) | Financial Professional (3) | Negotiation (3) | Divorce And Children (3) | Clare Piro (3) | Mediation Myths (3) | Divorce Finances (3) | Child Support Standards Act (CSSA) (2) | Certified Divorce Financial Analyst (CDFA) (2) | Step-Mother (2) | Spouse (2) | Joint Decision Making (2) | Attitude (2) | Consulting Attorney (2) | Moving Forward (2) | Step-Father (2) | Mediation Benefits (2) | Mediation Versus Litigation (2) | Settlement Agreements (2) | Apology (2) | College Expenses (2) | Step-Children (2) | Will (2) | Conflict During Mediation (2) | Grace (2) | Bitterness (2) | Entitlement (2) | Budgets (2) | Anger (2) | Collaborative Practice (2) | Unrequited Love (2) | Pandemic (2) | Equal Parenting Plan (2) | Post-Divorce Income (2) | Law Professionals (2) | Mediate (2) | New York Child Support Statute (2) | Inheritance (2) | Separation Agreements (2) | Anxiety (2) | CDFA (2) | Calculating Support (2) | Spousal Support (2) | Humanity (2) | Agreements (2) | Selling The Marital Home (2) | Truth (2) | Budget (2) | Compromise (2) | Couples (2) | Seperation (2) | Right Of Election (2) | Surviving Spouse (2) | Custody (2) | Legislation (2) | Estate (2) | Mediating Emails (1) | Family Mediations (1) | Communicating (1) | Facial Expression (1) | Tone Of Voice (1) | New Year’s Resolutions (1) | Intention (1) | Feelings (1) | Concession (1) | New York’s Child Support And Maintenance (1) | Real Estate And Divorce (1) | Lowest Acceptable Offer (1) | Child Focused Mediation (1) | Depression (1) | Joint Ownership Post Divorce (1) | Family Occasions (1) | Honest Conversation (1) | Legal Rights (1) | CoParenting (1) | DecisionMaking (1) | Advocacy (1) | Empowerment (1) | Active Listening (1) | Retirement Plans (1) | Pensions (1) | Joseph Goldstein (1) | Languish (1) | Waiving Spousal Support (1) | Thrive (1) | Lack Of Focus (1) | Retirement (1) | Pension Plans (1) | COVID 19 (1) | Postnuptial Agreements (1) | Tough Decisions (1) | Parenting Schedules (1) | 50/50 Parenting (1) | Caucus (1) | Agreement To Mediate (1) | Co-parenting (1) | Children And Divorce (1) | Transition Day (1) | On-Duty Parent Responsibilities (1) | Significant Others (1) | Technical Difficulties (1) | Mediating Virtually (1) | Holiday Season (1) | Spousal Support Payments (1) | Separating (1) | Parental Holiday Sharing (1) | Introducing Significant Others (1) | Mediating Onine (1) | Religious Holidays (1) | Cultural Holidays (1) | 50/50 Parenting Plan (1) | Joint Physical Custody (1) | Elder Mediation (1) | Older Parents (1) | Domestic Violence (1) | Eldercare (1) | Older Adults (1) | Pathological Liar (1) | Anxious Thoughts (1) | Separate Property Credit (1) | Primary Caretaker (1) | Custody Determination (1) | A Neutral (1) | An Advocate (1) | Mediation Caucus (1) | Non-Residential Parent (1) | Child Support Payment (1) | Child's Best Interests (1) | NYs Child Support Guidelines (CSSA) (1) | Speak Up (1) | Expectations (1) | Parenting Styles (1) | Real Estate (1) | Parenting Plans (1) | Interest Rates (1) | Decision Makers (1) | Collaboration (1) | Being Heard (1) | Divorce Needs (1) | Self Compassion (1) | Cohabitation Agreement (1) | Cohabitating (1) | Final Decisions (1) | Inflation (1) | Buyout (1) | Children Of Divorce (1) | Parent Coordinator (PC) (1) | Unmarried (1) | Emotional Trauma (1) | File A Petition (1) | Being Understood (1) | Commitment (1) | Default Provisions (1) | Marital Asset (1) | Separate Asset (1) | Postnup (1) | Divorce Agreement Terms (1) | Consulting (1) | Parenting Agreement (1) | Divorce Terms (1) | Support (1) | Hope (1) | Cancer (1) | Successful Mediations (1) | Self Reflection (1) | Support Connection (1) | Ovarian Cancer (1) | Fairness (1) | Breast Cancer (1) | Meditation (1) | Parent Coordinator (1) | Contentment (1) | Pension (1) | Alternative Dispute Resolution (1) | ADR (1) | Qualified Domestic Relations Order (QDRO) (1) | Actuarial Company (1) | Bonuses (1) | Commissions (1) | Income Level (1) | Presumptive ADR Program (1) | Post Divorce Budgets (1) | Coparenting (1) | Perspective (1) | Opposites (1) | Parenting Post-Divorce (1) | Family Court Presumptive ADR Program (1) | New York Family Court (1) | Financial Professionals (1) | New York Divorce Law (1) | Credit Against Child Support (1) | Support Add-ons (1) | Righteous Anger (1) | Partial Buyout (1) | Disagreements (1) | Kindness (1) | Matrimonial Practice (1) | Happiness (1) | AcceptableOutcome (1) | Mediation Process (1) | Ideas (1) | Beliefs (1) | Court (1) | Judge (1) | Pro-Rata (1) | Guilt (1) | Real Estate Buyout (1) | Saving Grace By Kirsten Powers (1) | Buyout Options (1) | Kirsten Powers (1) | Personality (1) | FinancialPortfolio (1) | Maritial Assets (1) | Maritial Property (1) | Transmutation (1) | Commingling (1) | Retirement Account (1) | Divorce Papers (1) | Installment Agreements (1) | Joint Legal Custody (1) | Negative Communication (1) | Married Couples (1) | Hurricane Harvey (1) | Parents (1) | Disclosure (1) | Moving On (1) | Finding Love After Divorce (1) | Contribution (1) | Post-Divorce Dating (1) | Compassion (1) | Nesting (1) | College (1) | Temporary Agreement (1) | Permanent Agreement (1) | Financial Situation (1) | Custodial Parent (1) | Intervention (1) | Dreaming (1) | Husband (1) | Wife (1) | Married (1) | Affair (1) | Bankruptcy (1) | Therapy (1) | Beneficiary (1) | Financial Costs (1) | Lack Of Trust (1) | Accusations Of Delay (1) | Tentative Agreements (1) | Joint Account (1) | Settle Agreement (1) | Life Insurance (1) | Alone At The Holidays (1) | Settlement Term (1) | Unemployment (1) | Seperation Agreement (1) | New York (1) | Self-talk (1) | Advice (1) | Blame (1) | Specialist (1) | Dogs (1) | Mental Health (1) | Older Dogs (1) | Adopt Shelter Dogs (1) | 2015 (1) | Year In Review (1) | Self Determination (1) | Self-determination (1) | Relocation (1) | Change (1) | New York State (1) | Control (1) | Mindfulness (1) | Equality (1) | Balance (1) | Effects On Family (1) | Living Together (1) | Power (1) | School Year (1) | Kids (1) | Summer (1) | Acknowledgement (1) | Conflicy (1) | Payments (1) | Extremes (1) | Fall (1) | Marriage (1) | House (1) | Grandparents (1) | Baby Boomers (1) | Living Apart (1) | Divorce Law (1) | Abundance (1) | Resolution (1) | Equity (1) | Scarcity (1) | Settlement Agreement (1) | Personal Relationships (1) | But (1) | Fiancé (1) | Prenuptial Agreement (Prenup) (1) | Collaborative Process (1) | Apologizing (1) | Moving On After Divorce (1) | Meditate (1) | Property Distribution (1) | Equitable Distribution Statute (1) | Attitudes Toward Prenups (1) | Asset Distribution (1) | Needs Vs Wants (1) | Court Process (1) | Financial Documents (1) | Financial Information (1) | Court Vs Mediation (1) | Scared Of Divorce (1) | Marital Concerns (1) | Halloween (1) | Fear Of Divorce (1) | Coronavirus (1) | Maintaining Calm (1) | Remain Healthy (1) | Maggie O’Connor (1) | Global Pandemic (1) | Career Change (1) | Lack Of Communication (1) | Unhappy Relationship (1) | Couples Counseling (1) | Understood (1) | Heard (1) | Returning To The Workforce (1) | Social Security Assets In Divorce (1) | Difficult Clients (1) | Complicated Finances (1) | Mediation Misconceptions (1) | Social Distancing (1) | Multiple Assets (1) | Custody Disputes (1) | COVID19 (1) | Court Order (1) | Matrimonial Cases (1) | Family Law Software (1) | Mental Health Professional (1) | Significant Other (1) | Holidays Post-Divorce (1) | AttorneyPresence (1) | FamilyMediation (1) | Attitudes (1) | Family Enrichment (1) | Accepting Responsibility (1) | Taking Responsibility (1) | Remarriage After Divorce (1) | MediationSession (1) | LawyerDivorceMediation (1) | Dishonest (1) | Little White Lies (1) | Lies (1) | Public Trust (1) | Spouses (1) | Work Stress (1) | Matrimonial Dispute (1) | Perfection (1) | Holiday Preparations (1) | Ex-Spouse (1) | Holiday Blues (1) | Patience (1) | Marriage Counseling (1) | Frame Of Mind (1) | Reluctant Spouse (1) | Time To Process (1) | Post Nuptial (1) | Lawyer (1) | Fear Of Separation (1) | PostNup (1) | Telling Your Spouse (1) | Seller (1) | Divorce Assets (1) | Emotional Attachment (1) | Dividing House Asset (1) | Refinance (1) | Equity Loan (1) | Buyer (1) | Cash Flow (1) | Interest Payments (1) | Power Of Regret (1) |
Connect
Close Announcement

Online Mediation Available

I am providing family and divorce mediation services online. Click to learn more.