914.946.0848  .  contact  .  map & directions  .  subscribe  .  LinkedInFacebookTwitterGoogle+

I'm Ready to Get Divorced, but My Spouse Isn't - Part 1

December 10, 2014  | 
I'm Ready to Get Divorced, but My Spouse Isn't - Part 1 By Clare A. Piro

It’s rare in my practice for both parties to be in the same frame of mind about getting a divorce. Most often, one person is more prepared for the process and the separation, while the other party may not even have come to terms with the concept that the marriage will come to an end.

When I used to litigate, you needed grounds for divorce. If only one person wanted the divorce but had no grounds, then he or she would either have to stay married or be prepared to make a very generous settlement offer. Now, if a couple settles all parenting and financial matters between them, they may divorce based upon the grounds of “irretrievable breakdown of the relationship.”

In mediation, you can’t proceed unless both parties agree to the process. However, I have seen clients who clearly state from the beginning that they don’t want the divorce, but they agree to mediate because they see the inevitability of it and prefer mediation to litigation.

What if my spouse refuses to accept the inevitable?

  • If you haven’t already done so, you can try marriage counseling as long as you are honest in your motives. Sometimes marriage counseling can help the reluctant party recognize that the marriage is over.
  • If that doesn’t help, you can see if your spouse is willing to have a consultation with a mediator, even if he or she isn’t fully committed to the process as yet. Sometimes, just hearing that you are serious about wanting to end the marriage and are taking steps in that regard, helps the other person accept that the marriage is over.
  • Finally, you may just have to be patient and give the other person some time to get to the same point as you. If this is the case, you should be sure not to give the other person mixed signals even though you are remaining in the marriage. If you can’t or don’t want to wait, of course, you can explore other options for divorce.

What if I’m the person who doesn’t want the marriage to end?

  • Again, I would definitely suggest marriage counseling if you haven’t already done so, and again, you need to be honest with your spouse about your motives. If that is not an option, you may benefit from individual counseling to help you understand what is happening and what you can do.
  • A divorce coach who is trained in helping a person deal with the process of divorce, be it through litigation, mediation or collaborative practice, could also be of help.

The bottom line is that mediation will take as long as it takes. I often get a call from one party and then weeks or even months go by before they make the first appointment for a consultation. Sometimes, even more time passes before they tell me they are ready to mediate. Like all facets of mediation, the timing and pace are completely up to the parties.

Are you thinking about divorce, but your spouse is not? Is your spouse talking divorce, but you don’t feel ready?

Clare Piro Attorney and Mediator

Attorney & Mediator
500 Mamaroneck Avenue | Suite 320
Harrison, NY 10528
Tel: 914.946.0848

Email »

Comments
Callie M
June 30, 2015 - 1:36 PM
It is an interesting situation when one person isn't willing to accept a divorce. When my parents told the kids about the divorce for the first time, my mom made it clear that this was my dad's decision. Thanks for the interesting article about the issue. I was glad to see my parents get divorced so they could move on and be happy, but I have to wonder how the litigation/mediation went for them.
Maryann M
January 26, 2015 - 3:21 PM
This is so true...you have covered the various scenarios and even though some are not pretty they are true. Counseling under all those circumstances can help. No one should feel alone which is a side effect of marriage breakdown. Your kind, calm approach to such a disruptive event is most comforting. Thank you for your sharing these thoughts.

Search
Topics
Mediation (141) | Divorce (132) | Separation (49) | Divorce Mediation (19) | Mediator (13) | Child Support (11) | Communication (11) | Litigation (11) | Separation Agreement (10) | Conflict (10) | Co-Parenting (8) | Attorney (7) | Consultation (7) | Parenting Plan (7) | Prenup (7) | Marital Home (6) | Clare A. Piro Mediation (6) | Collaborative Divorce (6) | Clare A. Piro (6) | Parenting (6) | Children (5) | Assets (5) | Finances (4) | Family (4) | Equitable Distribution (4) | Marital Property (4) | Expenses (4) | CSSA (4) | Child Support Standards Act (4) | Separate Property (4) | Settlement (4) | Marital Assets (4) | Agreement (4) | Clients (3) | Relationships (3) | Spousal Trust (3) | Parent Coordinator (3) | Estate Documents (3) | Divorce Mediator (3) | Divorce Coach (3) | Responsibility (3) | Joint Decisions (3) | Informed Decisions (3) | Prenuptial Agreement (3) | Divorce And Children (3) | Child Consultant (3) | Child Inclusive Mediation (3) | Financial Professional (3) | Divorce Agreement (3) | Divorce Finances (3) | Negotiation (3) | Emotions (3) | Clare Piro (3) | Family Court (3) | Blended Families (3) | Compromise (3) | Listening (3) | Mediation Myths (3) | Apology (2) | College Expenses (2) | Inheritance (2) | Fairness (2) | Selling The Marital Home (2) | Estate (2) | Right Of Election (2) | Surviving Spouse (2) | Separation Agreements (2) | Law Professionals (2) | CDFA (2) | New York Child Support Statute (2) | Budgets (2) | Entitlement (2) | Equal Parenting Plan (2) | Collaborative Practice (2) | Pandemic (2) | Humanity (2) | Grace (2) | Spouse (2) | Child Support Standards Act (CSSA) (2) | Moving Forward (2) | Spousal Support (2) | Attitude (2) | Anxiety (2) | Mediate (2) | Will (2) | Joint Decision Making (2) | Custody (2) | Consulting Attorney (2) | Couples (2) | Mediation Benefits (2) | Mediation Versus Litigation (2) | Bitterness (2) | Legislation (2) | Budget (2) | Agreements (2) | Certified Divorce Financial Analyst (CDFA) (2) | Step-Children (2) | Change (2) | Seperation (2) | Truth (2) | Settlement Agreements (2) | Step-Mother (2) | Unrequited Love (2) | Anger (2) | Conflict During Mediation (2) | Post-Divorce Income (2) | Trust Issues (2) | Calculating Support (2) | Step-Father (2) | Pensions (1) | Short-term Marriage Divorce (1) | Objective Standards In Mediation (1) | Divorce Agreements (1) | Thrive (1) | Impartiality (1) | Lack Of Focus (1) | Pension Plans (1) | Retirement Plans (1) | COVID 19 (1) | Retirement (1) | CoParenting (1) | Family Court Presumptive ADR Program (1) | Learning From The Past (1) | Parenting Styles (1) | Coparenting (1) | New York Family Court (1) | Presumptive ADR Program (1) | Alternative Dispute Resolution (1) | ADR (1) | New Year Resolutions (1) | Perspective (1) | Opposites (1) | Depression (1) | Family Occasions (1) | Honest Conversation (1) | DecisionMaking (1) | Empowerment (1) | Personality (1) | Separate Property Credit (1) | Advocacy (1) | Legal Rights (1) | Objective Standards (1) | Compromise In Agreements (1) | Child's Best Interests (1) | NYs Child Support Guidelines (CSSA) (1) | Child Support Payment (1) | Custody Determination (1) | Primary Caretaker (1) | Elder Mediation (1) | Older Parents (1) | Domestic Violence (1) | Non-Residential Parent (1) | A Neutral (1) | Well-being (1) | Children And Divorce (1) | Co-parenting (1) | Parenting Schedules (1) | On-Duty Parent Responsibilities (1) | Transition Day (1) | An Advocate (1) | Needs And Interests (1) | 50/50 Parenting Plan (1) | Eldercare (1) | Older Adults (1) | Pension (1) | Child-focused (1) | Tone Of Voice (1) | Communicating (1) | Fairness Evaluation (1) | Facial Expression (1) | Waiving Spousal Support (1) | Postnuptial Agreements (1) | New York’s Child Support And Maintenance (1) | Family Mediations (1) | Mediating Emails (1) | Expectations (1) | Pathological Liar (1) | Anxious Thoughts (1) | Tough Decisions (1) | Joseph Goldstein (1) | Feelings (1) | Child Focused Mediation (1) | New Year’s Resolutions (1) | Intention (1) | Languish (1) | Support Add-ons (1) | Financial Impropriety (1) | Parenting Agreement (1) | Divorce Terms (1) | Spousal Infidelity (1) | Consulting (1) | Spousal Support Payments (1) | Mediation Caucus (1) | Significant Others (1) | Introducing Significant Others (1) | Unfaithful Spouse (1) | Divorce Agreement Terms (1) | Ovarian Cancer (1) | Review Attorney (1) | Support Connection (1) | 50/50 Parenting (1) | Breast Cancer (1) | Hope (1) | Postnup (1) | Default Provisions (1) | Support (1) | Speak Up (1) | Marital Asset (1) | Inflation (1) | Children Of Divorce (1) | Financial Professionals (1) | Interest Rates (1) | Post Divorce Budgets (1) | Buyout (1) | Real Estate Buyout (1) | Partial Buyout (1) | Credit Against Child Support (1) | Real Estate (1) | New York Divorce Law (1) | Real Estate And Divorce (1) | Lowest Acceptable Offer (1) | Separate Asset (1) | Concession (1) | Joint Ownership Post Divorce (1) | Meditation (1) | Active Listening (1) | Self Compassion (1) | Self Reflection (1) | Cancer (1) | Successful Mediations (1) | Disagreements (1) | Ideas (1) | Beliefs (1) | Saving Grace By Kirsten Powers (1) | Daniel Pink (1) | Righteous Anger (1) | Mediation Process (1) | Matrimonial Practice (1) | Kindness (1) | Separate Living Without Divorce (1) | Kirsten Powers (1) | Bonuses (1) | Commissions (1) | Income Level (1) | Actuarial Company (1) | Buyout Options (1) | Pro-Rata (1) | Rights Of Inheritance (1) | Court (1) | Judge (1) | AcceptableOutcome (1) | Happiness (1) | Decision Makers (1) | Mediation Friendly Attorney (1) | Regrets (1) | Cohabitation Agreement (1) | Collaboration (1) | Divorce Needs (1) | Commitment (1) | Being Understood (1) | Being Heard (1) | Regrets In Life (1) | Cohabitating (1) | Final Decisions (1) | Holding On To Regrets (1) | Contentment (1) | Parent Coordinator (PC) (1) | File A Petition (1) | Unmarried (1) | Biggest Regrets In Life (1) | Emotional Trauma (1) | Qualified Domestic Relations Order (QDRO) (1) | Apologizing (1) | Hurricane Harvey (1) | Compassion (1) | Nesting (1) | College (1) | Married Couples (1) | Commingling (1) | Retirement Account (1) | Maritial Assets (1) | Maritial Property (1) | Transmutation (1) | Contribution (1) | Parents (1) | Fall (1) | Conflicy (1) | Acknowledgement (1) | Power (1) | Extremes (1) | Payments (1) | Disclosure (1) | Moving On (1) | Unemployment (1) | Seperation Agreement (1) | Divorce Papers (1) | Negative Communication (1) | Dreaming (1) | Therapy (1) | Beneficiary (1) | Life Insurance (1) | Intervention (1) | Custodial Parent (1) | Bankruptcy (1) | Wife (1) | Husband (1) | Financial Situation (1) | Settlement Term (1) | Settle Agreement (1) | Permanent Agreement (1) | Temporary Agreement (1) | Installment Agreements (1) | Joint Legal Custody (1) | Tentative Agreements (1) | Accusations Of Delay (1) | Joint Account (1) | Financial Costs (1) | Lack Of Trust (1) | School Year (1) | Kids (1) | Specialist (1) | Mental Health (1) | Equity (1) | House (1) | Relocation (1) | Difficult Clients (1) | Control (1) | New York State (1) | Self Determination (1) | Self-determination (1) | Finding Love After Divorce (1) | Post-Divorce Dating (1) | Moving On After Divorce (1) | Joint Physical Custody (1) | Parenting Post-Divorce (1) | Parenting Plans (1) | Halloween (1) | Fear Of Divorce (1) | Alone At The Holidays (1) | Holidays Post-Divorce (1) | Holiday Blues (1) | Scared Of Divorce (1) | Balance (1) | Equality (1) | Grandparents (1) | Baby Boomers (1) | Living Apart (1) | Living Together (1) | Divorce Law (1) | Abundance (1) | Summer (1) | Marriage (1) | Resolution (1) | Scarcity (1) | Effects On Family (1) | Older Dogs (1) | Blame (1) | 2015 (1) | Year In Review (1) | Mindfulness (1) | Advice (1) | Self-talk (1) | Adopt Shelter Dogs (1) | Dogs (1) | New York (1) | Affair (1) | Married (1) | Complicated Finances (1) | Mediation Misconceptions (1) | Social Distancing (1) | Maintaining Calm (1) | FinancialPortfolio (1) | Multiple Assets (1) | COVID19 (1) | Court Order (1) | Matrimonial Cases (1) | Custody Disputes (1) | Coronavirus (1) | Meditate (1) | Attitudes Toward Prenups (1) | Asset Distribution (1) | Marital Concerns (1) | Court Vs Mediation (1) | Collaborative Process (1) | Prenuptial Agreement (Prenup) (1) | Property Distribution (1) | Equitable Distribution Statute (1) | But (1) | Fiancé (1) | Holiday Co-Parenting (1) | Social Security Assets In Divorce (1) | Parental Holiday Sharing (1) | Holiday Season (1) | Separating (1) | Guilt (1) | Cultural Holidays (1) | Religious Holidays (1) | Agreement To Mediate (1) | Technical Difficulties (1) | Mediating Virtually (1) | Mediating Onine (1) | Power Of Regret (1) | Couples Counseling (1) | Maggie O’Connor (1) | Global Pandemic (1) | Career Change (1) | Returning To The Workforce (1) | Remain Healthy (1) | Lack Of Communication (1) | Understood (1) | Heard (1) | Unhappy Relationship (1) | Needs Vs Wants (1) | Court Process (1) | Significant Other (1) | AttorneyPresence (1) | FamilyMediation (1) | MediationSession (1) | Attitudes (1) | Family Enrichment (1) | Ex-Spouse (1) | Accepting Responsibility (1) | Taking Responsibility (1) | Remarriage After Divorce (1) | LawyerDivorceMediation (1) | Matrimonial Dispute (1) | Lies (1) | Public Trust (1) | Personal Relationships (1) | Settlement Agreement (1) | Little White Lies (1) | Dishonest (1) | Perfection (1) | Holiday Preparations (1) | Work Stress (1) | Spouses (1) | Dividing House Asset (1) | Emotional Attachment (1) | PostNup (1) | Post Nuptial (1) | Time To Process (1) | Patience (1) | Fear Of Separation (1) | Lawyer (1) | Financial Documents (1) | Financial Information (1) | Family Law Software (1) | Mental Health Professional (1) | Marriage Counseling (1) | Frame Of Mind (1) | Interest Payments (1) | Equity Loan (1) | Refinance (1) | Divorce Assets (1) | Cash Flow (1) | Buyer (1) | Reluctant Spouse (1) | Telling Your Spouse (1) | Seller (1) | Caucus (1) |
Connect
Close Announcement

Online Mediation Available

I am providing family and divorce mediation services online. Click to learn more.