My previous two videos on Child Inclusive Mediation discussed the child interview and the parent meeting. In this video, we look at the parenting plan that can be created as a result of the issues and concerns raised by the child consultant’s interview of the children. This plan is not a legal document, but an agreement between the parents in their own language which they can start to use immediately.
In this video, we discuss the step when the child consultant comes into the mediation and speaks to the parents about their interview with the child. Parents don't have to be afraid that they are going to be judged in the meeting, or that anybody is going to be accusing them of being bad parents because they are having a conflict with their co-parent. The mediator and the child consultant will work together to make sure that the parents feel comfortable in the process and are not being judged but supported.
You probably haven't heard about Child Inclusive Mediation because it's not that prevalent in the United States. In Australia, where the process was developed, it is used in both mediations and high-conflict litigated cases and has proven to be very successful.
If you're concerned that you and your co-parent will have some difficulty in implementing the terms of your parenting plan, it's a good idea to include the name of a parent coordinator in your agreement. Having a pre-determined advocate on hand who can help you with that conflict is a good idea for many reasons.
If you would like more information about mediation, prenups and family law, check out my website — ClarePiroMediation.com.
{2 minutes to read} Like everyone else in the world, I looked forward to 2021 and the opportunity to put 2020 behind me.
While we all hoped that the new year would bring something better — in health, in politics, and in regaining in-person connections to friends and family — of course, nothing changed at the stroke of midnight. And then I thought about expectations.
The meditation teacher, Joseph Goldstein, speaks about “the next pleasant thing.” When we find ourselves constantly looking for something that will give us pleasure, he asks us to remember that like all things, it will be ephemeral. Think about pleasant events in your past and the amazing feelings they generated. Then recognize that those feelings, like all emotions — whether pleasant or unpleasant — passed.
Goldstein suggests that we can look forward to good things happening and to making changes in our lives, without depending upon them for our happiness or being unhappy if they do not occur. We can enjoy the pleasant events without clinging to them which will allow us to fully experience those events. Then, like all emotions, which by their very nature are fleeting, they will always remain as part of our experience.
In terms of expectations, Joseph Goldstein suggests starting a day with an intention — intend to be mindful of your present experiences instead of getting caught up in expectations of what might and might not occur. This can help you avoid getting derailed if something doesn’t meet the expectation.
And if you’re looking for intentions that can help you make a change in your life, in addition to being present, I refer you to my meditation teacher, Cheryl Brause’s 2019 post, “Say Goodbye to New Year’s Resolutions” which may be equally helpful in 2021!
{4 minutes to read} The other day a friend told me about a conflict she was having with another person and how that person behaved towards her. While the other person’s actions were pretty awful, there was something in the back story she described that made me think there was a misunderstanding and possibly an incorrect assumption of the other person’s motives.
To my friend, the other person was acting spitefully and just being mean spirited. I gingerly brought up the possibility that maybe the other person was actually feeling hurt and left out. My friend was understandably reacting to the bad behavior. But when she took the time to consider this different motive, the insight was helpful to her in terms of being able to move past the incident and lose some of her anger, even though she still did not condone the other person’s actions.
In mediation, I see the positive effects of understanding, as well as the negative effects of refusing to try to understand the other party.
The other person’s motivation may not be what you assume.
With the very high emotions that arise in a divorce mediation, it is natural to ascribe a bad motive to someone who has hurt you:
They want the china just because I want the china, and they don’t want me to have it.
By asking why they want the china and really focusing on the answer, you may learn that it is because when they were growing up, on holidays their family never had anything as grand as that china, so it has special meaning to them. That doesn’t mean you have to give up the china, especially if you have an equally fond memory that leads you to want it as well. But without the negative assumption about their motivation, it makes it easier, or at least less resentful, to attempt a compromise.
Understanding doesn’t mean that you forgive the other person.
Forgiveness is hard. It can take time and may not be attainable. Understanding is a first step, and even if it’s the only step, understanding can help lead to the resolution of your separation which is your primary goal.
Understanding doesn’t mean that you agree with the other person.
My friend may have understood why the other person acted as they did, but that doesn’t mean that she agreed with the action they took. But acknowledging to them that you understand and explaining your own deep feelings may help you both to come up with a proposal that will be in your mutual interests.
So, when your mediator:
They are trying to help you to understand. And that is a very valuable first step in reaching a resolution.
{4 minutes to read} I recently attended a virtual lecture presented by Maryellen Dance, LMHC from Rochester, NY, focusing on fact versus fiction in terms of anxiety.
She had some very interesting suggestions to deal with anxiety that may be helpful, especially when you’re in a particularly anxious time of your life like separating from your spouse. Your fears of the future, or focus on the past, can hinder your progress in a mediation if they hijack your ability to be present in meetings and make proposals that are likely to lead to resolution.
Anxiety is a Pathological Liar
It’s so easy to become entrenched in the spiral of anxious thoughts because anxiety does an amazing job of masking the present reality. And the longer that it’s been lying to us, the more difficult it is to see the irrationality behind it.
Dance proposes that there is an easy counter to it — reality and facts. You will need to be steadfast in your approach and repeatedly acknowledge the truth versus your anxious thoughts.
And if there is truth to your concerns, recognizing the anxious thoughts can help you to address the reality of your situation more positively as opposed to ineffectively reacting to the anxiety.
Anxiety Can Make Us Believe It’s a Good Thing
But if I don’t worry about “x,” then “x” will happen. From personal experience, it takes much effort to step back and discern if your anxiety or worrying is helping. Is it productive in the sense of preparing for an actual event that will happen or motivating you to better attack a problem? Or is it just endless worry that keeps you from actually doing anything worthwhile, while negatively impacting your health and well being?
Dance suggests that when you recognize that you are beginning to become anxious, ground yourself in the present moment so you can then ask yourself, “are my anxious thoughts helpful?” For example, if you are anxious about your ability to pay your expenses, does that anxiety lead you to constructive action such as making a budget and figuring out a path to increasing your income? If these thoughts are not helpful to achieving an outcome, then try to recognize them as just another emotion that will pass.
Think About the Present
Because anxious thoughts are by their nature a litany of rehashing past events, or anticipating the most awful outcomes that may happen, they prevent you from being present in the moment. While practicing meditation will help you to ground yourself more easily in the present, there are other steps you can take to bring yourself out of your head and into the present.
First, you have to recognize your spiral. As soon as you can see that your thoughts are taking you down that familiar road, stop. Dance recommends that you literally stare at an object in the room to bring you into the present moment. And take a few breaths to help you focus.
Finally, we all have thoughts that make us feel anxious. That doesn’t mean that you should define yourself as an anxious person — which will just add another concern to make you feel even more anxious. Instead, try to recognize that these are just temporary, uncomfortable thoughts that will come and go. Having occasional anxious thoughts is normal. Letting those thoughts get in the way of being and living in the present moment is not.
If you find yourself in the situation with your parent needing to leave their home because you think it's not safe anymore, consider mediation as a first option. In Elder Mediation, everyone will have a seat at the table. The idea is that everyone will get to express their concerns, their interests, their desires, and most importantly, listen to the other person's concerns and interests, and desires.
{4 minutes to read} When I’m working with parents and we are discussing what each proposes for a parenting plan, I ask them to phrase their proposal in terms of what is in the child’s best interests, and not necessarily what’s best for them.
What does “best interests of the child” actually mean though? If we use the standard of what a judge would consider when making a custody determination in an adversarial proceeding, these are some of the factors that would be used:
In mediation, while these factors are discussed, there are additional aspects that have been raised by parents. They include:
In a mediated discussion, it can be very difficult to place your child’s needs above your own desires — especially if your feelings toward the other parent are negative. I am consistently heartened, though, at just how many parents are able to do just that, even when in deep conflict with the other parent:
These are painful choices but can be made in a respectful process in which both parents can reach an understanding about the child’s needs in coordination with parental sacrifices. This in turn can result in an acceptance that would be more difficult to achieve in an adversarial process, where the outcome is dictated to you — not by you.
{3 minutes to read} I know that it has been a constant refrain of mine that budgets are vital in mediation, but I learned how truly indispensable they can be during a recent one.
The couple were both high-wage earners, and one parent was agreed upon to be the primary residential parent. The non-residential parent proposed a different type of child support payment in which, rather than payment of the standard child support that would be calculated under NYs Child Support Guidelines (CSSA), the non-residential parent would pay 100% of certain direct expenses for the child, including child care, clothing, medical insurance and expenses, private school tuition, extracurricular activities, college, and other miscellaneous items.
While I wholeheartedly respect the right of self-determination, I was concerned that this would result in a net loss after expenses are paid for one or both of the parties. This arrangement is not the usual one, but it is the one that these parents wanted. We just had to confirm that it would work for both of them, so we spent quite a bit of time to make sure that each had an accurate and complete budget.
Using the budget to demonstrate what the non-residential parent would be paying totaled $40,000 under the proposed plan. Under the CSSA, the support plus statutory add-ons totaled $49,000.
Budgets also demonstrated that if the CSSA was strictly applied, the net received by the residential parent after paying taxes and expenses was greater than that netted under the initially proposed plan. The parties ultimately agreed to have the non-residential parent also pay the difference of $9,000 per year to bring the payment to the CSSA amount. This change would still allow the non-residential parent to have sufficient disposable income under the budgets.
They also agreed to place protections into the Agreement to insure that the parties would remain in substantially similar financial positions going forward:
While mediation permits clients to determine their own outcome, it remains important to reality test those outcomes to ensure that the plan will be in the parties’ best interests — and budgets are essential.