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In an earlier post, I described the benefits of using a financial professional who acts as a neutral in mediation, but sometimes that may not work for you. Here are some factors to consider when deciding which will be best in your case.

An Advocate

As a Neutral

Which style is better for you depends on your comfort level in the process and willingness to make decisions as to support and equitable distribution. When you are fully comfortable, understand what is being proposed, and the ramifications of the different choices, making informed decisions is easier.

I have had successful mediations with both financial professionals as advocates and as neutrals, and while I admit I prefer that the financial professional be a neutral, the decision is one made by the parties. If you and your spouse disagree on the type of financial professional, you can mediate that issue and agree upon parameters as to the role the financial professional will play. 

When divorcing, some couples become somewhat obsessed about splitting everything evenly. When it comes to the kids, a 50/50 parenting plan without some flexibility can potentially do more harm than good. Focusing on how much time your kids are spending with the other parent can be self-defeating when it comes to your relationship with the children. 

{3 minutes to read} Now that you have decided on the access schedule you will use in your equal parenting plan, there are some other terms that you might want to include in your agreement.

Tweaks to the On-Duty Parent Responsibilities

Typically, the on-duty parent is responsible for everything having to do with the children during their access time. But, you may want to modify that in some circumstances: 

• If you have children with different extracurricular activities in different places on the weekends, you may want to share those responsibilities no matter who the on-duty parent is. 
• If one of you is more observant of the children’s religion, that parent may want to be responsible for taking them to services or religious education. 
• If a child is sick or school/camp is cancelled unexpectedly, you may want to provide that if the on-duty parent cannot be with the child, they give the other parent the right to be with the child before arranging for child care. Or, you can provide that if neither of you can be with the child, arranging for child care is a joint responsibility and not just one for the “on-duty” parent.

• If a child wakes up in the morning and is ill and can’t go to school/camp or school/camp is canceled? 
• If a child becomes ill or school/camp is let out during the day?  

You may decide that

• The parent who takes them to school/camp remains on-duty until the other picks up the children.  
• The parent who picks up the children that day is on-duty as soon as the children are dropped off. 
• You choose an arbitrary time for transition, such as noon.

It doesn’t matter what you choose so long as your agreement is clear about it. The last thing you want is an argument as to who is responsible if there is an urgent situation.

What if there is no school/camp on a transition day?

You may decide to adhere to the school/camp schedule in terms of transition time. Or, you could provide alternate hours for transitions. Again, as long as it is clear, you may agree on whatever you both think works best.

Taking the time to consider these points in mediation will be well worth the time spent, if it can help you to avoid future conflicts in implementing your plan.  

{3 minutes to read} Reaching the agreement that you both want to share substantially equal time with your children is clearly a very meaningful decision, but it isn’t the only decision you will need to agree upon in terms of your parenting plan. There are many options in terms of parenting schedules that you will need to consider, and that can be a source of conflict.

There is no “right” schedule, as it all depends on your children, their developmental capabilities, their activities, their commitments, and your work schedules. As always, what must be paramount is what is best for your children, and not what your research may have indicated is the best schedule, or what may have worked for other parents you know.

These are some schedules that you can consider:

One Week With Each Parent

This could be helpful for older children who want consistency, or if transitions between the parents are problematic. But it has an obvious drawback in terms of the children being away from each parent for a long period of time. If you are considering this, you may also want to consider some mid-week access with the other parent to help the children feel connected with both parents.

3-4-4-3 Schedule

1. Neither parent ever having a full weekend with the children; or
2. One parent having the majority of the weekend time every week.

2-2-3 Schedule

2-2-5-5 Schedule

Keeping in mind that you are choosing these schedules in the abstract, it’s important that you provide for reviews of the schedule and be cognizant of whether or not your well-intentioned schedule is working out for the children. You should also provide for a process to resolve a dispute if one of you thinks that the schedule is working and the other does not.

In my next post, I’ll address some other considerations for equal parenting plans, no matter which schedule you choose. 

{3 minutes to read} Since New York on PAUSE went into effect, parties have been mediating virtually — either online or by phone, and this may even continue as businesses begin to reopen. I would like to share with you some of the differences that I’ve noticed in my mediation meetings via Zoom.

Technical Difficulties

We all may be subject to an unstable internet connection and noisy distractions from dogs or others in your household. Your mediator should let you know in advance if such difficulties make the mediation too difficult. In that case, you can take a break and come back when things have settled down, so you don’t have to feel anxiety over conditions that are out of your control.

Duration

Documents

Your mediator will ask you to pre-sign the Agreement to Mediate and scan it back before the mediation begins. A review of the Agreement will then take place before the meeting begins. Your mediator will also let you know what documents should be provided before the meeting so you can be as productive as possible during the meeting.

Caucusing

A caucus is when the mediator meets with you individually. In Zoom, the mediator can put you into separate “rooms” in order to have a caucus. If caucusing is part of the mediator’s protocol or something that you may want to request, you can be assured of privacy in that discussion.

In general, there are definitely some benefits in online mediation such as easier scheduling and no worries about commuting, traffic or parking. Of course, all that is countered by possibly having children at home during the mediation — or other lack of privacy — as well as feeling that it is difficult to make a connection with your mediator. However, if you make your mediator aware of any issues you might have, you can then discuss possible resolutions to meet your concerns.

As long as you are committed to the process, online mediation can be as beneficial as an in-person session. Online mediations may also be a practice that continues long after the pandemic requires it. 

Though the end of year holidays may be long over when this video is published, those holidays prompted my discussion of this topic for divorced couples. Sharing the kids during all of the holidays throughout the year is often a difficult subject to tackle, but there are some practical ways to work out the logistics so that your kids will have good memories of spending holiday time with their parents. 

{3 minutes to read} I recently read an article in the New York Times by Dhruv Khullar, MD, in which he wrote about the possible detrimental health effects of feeling regret.

Dr. Khullar believes that doctors often ignore the toll that regret can have on someone: “We often don’t explore the role regret might be playing in the distress many patients and families experience, or acknowledge it when it’s clear that it is contributing to their pain.”

The article focused on regret and the consequential feeling of guilt experienced by someone who delayed addressing a health care concern, either for themselves or for a loved one. But it also noted other circumstances where feelings of regret can haunt someone.

Regret certainly has its place in a separation or divorce. Someone wanting to stay in the marriage could feel “if only I was more aware of their unhappiness, we would still be married.” Someone who prolonged leaving could feel regret about the economic consequences in having stayed married for a longer period of time.

Objectively, of course, it doesn’t help to feel regret. Adding guilt or being angry at yourself on top of the myriad of emotions you are feeling is not helpful. But how does one avoid it, or at least lessen its impact?

Dr. Khullar suggests:

“Simply naming regret — creating the space for patients to confront and explore this emotion is an important step ...”

In the medical context, he believes that the doctor should then reassure the patient or their family members that “they made the best decision they could with the information they had.” Further, the uncertainty of medicine does not guarantee that, even had the person acted in the way they feel they should have acted, the result would be different.

In the context of a couple separating, it’s also uncertain that having taken the action you regret not taking, the effect would have been different. You are always dealing with another person over whose feelings and emotions you have no control. You addressing your spouse’s unhappiness doesn’t guarantee that you would not have gotten separated. And letting the other person know you want out of the marriage may not have resulted in a timely separation and financially beneficial settlement, if they weren’t ready to move forward at that point.

So, if you’re feeling regret that is interfering with your ability to move on, get the reassurance and support that you need from a mental health professional, friends, or family. It can help you to stop blaming yourself, and recognize that contrary to popular belief, hindsight is not always 20/20, especially in areas where emotions are a large part of the dynamic. 

{3 minutes to read} As a divorce mediator, it’s not surprising that I work with many couples who experience a lack of communication. Since that lack of communication is now being coupled with spending an inordinate amount of time with your spouse during the pandemic, you may consider this an opportunity to improve your communication.

In Listening During a Pandemic, Kate Murphy writes that while a pandemic has the likelihood of causing an increase in divorce, it can also bring a couple together.

Ms. Murphy writes that given the stress of the times, and possibly the stress of an unhappy relationship, the failure to listen only serves to aggravate the negativity at a time when you need the other party the most. Instead, she suggests:

• Listening to the other person can not only help you understand them but also to recognize when you may need to give them some space. 
• Asking questions about what or why the other likes something shows that you are interested in what they have to say, and answers lead to more questions, which lead to more answers and understanding.
• Pose a hypothetical question like “If you could time travel, where would you go?” These questions can stir the imagination and open a window into someone’s thoughts in ways you may have never considered.
• Since this is more of a listening than a speaking event, try to refrain from making the conversation about you or giving advice. Keep in mind that most people just want to be heard, understood, and accepted, especially when there are no answers to their concerns or issues.

I often write about the need to be heard and understood in the context of a divorcing couple and work in mediation to ensure that each party listens to the other in our meetings. It can be painfully apparent that a couple has long ceased listening to one another, and possibly, even talking to each other about something besides the mechanics of sharing a household or children. What begins with a lack of communication can lead to either conflict or just retreating even further into yourselves.

If you find yourself in this situation, and you’re both willing to do so, you can try some active listening skills as those proposed by Ms. Murphy. If you feel you need more, you can seek couples counseling which can be done online.

Even if you ultimately decide to separate, learning communication skills will help in reaching terms of a settlement as well as parenting after you separate. 

{3 minutes to read and listen} It’s nearly impossible to consider any kind of opportunity that could exist during this global pandemic. Yet, my colleague, Maggie O’Connor, does just that in this video describing how to remain healthy by making a greater connection with those around you and even with yourself. Please listen to her video below or visit her website to learn more about how, through connection, you can get through this. 

Opportunity in Crisis #FindYourTribe 

{4 minutes to read} As I’m writing this on March 30, 2020, the Courts in New York State are open only for emergency relief, such as family offenses/orders of protection and child protective matters. Parents who are having non-emergency custody disputes are unable to access courts at this time to resolve their dispute.

In an article in the New York Law Journal, Judge Jeffrey Sunshine, the Statewide Coordinating Judge for Matrimonial Cases, was praised on two diverse listservs to which I belong, for his uniquely helpful approach.

Judge Sunshine presented the perspective of a judge’s thought process in hearing such a dispute, as a guide for advice attorneys could provide to clients, and the actions that clients should follow. In considering one of the factors that determine custody, namely, which parent is likely to provide access to the other, Judge Sunshine looks to the parties’ present behavior as an indication of how they will act in the future.

A parent may disobey a court order and refuse access to the child, knowing that the other parent is unable to go to court immediately to seek relief. This could result in a short-term “win,” but such behavior could have a major negative impact on the ultimate decision for that parent.

On an even more fundamental level, though, Judge Sunshine notes that how parents relate to each other in these times “will shape their relationship with each other as divorced parents in the future, the relationship they have with their children and most importantly the relationship that their children have with them.”

While modeling appropriate behavior has always been a vital role of a parent, it cannot be overstated how crucial that is now. What do you want your children to remember?

• Their parents working together to find a way to keep them in touch with both parents, when they so deeply needed both of them in their lives; or  
• One parent trying to manipulate the crisis to gain an advantage over the other parent?

Of course, there can be genuine safety reasons why a parent might not think it’s in the children’s best interests to visit the other parent. In that case, both parents can accept a temporary halt to in-person visits and have virtual visits to preserve the continuity of the relationship.

The daily toll this pandemic takes on all of us is enormous. That stress is even greater for those who are struggling to maintain co-parenting with someone with whom they barely agree on anything. If you are trying to be reasonable but have a co-parent who refuses to do the same, then you should contact your attorney and see if there is anything that can be done. But if you both can understand that working together now will significantly impact your children’s future in a much more positive way, it could lead to a much better outcome.

Please take a look at these PRACTICAL TIPS published by the American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers and the Association of Family and Conciliation Courts that parents sharing custody can follow. See if they can help you navigate through this time.

If you are both willing, you can also research parenting coordinators, co-parenting coaches, and mental health professionals in your area, who can help you to address your immediate concerns.

As always, but never more profoundly than now, please consider mediating your dispute if no other options have helped. Most mediators are providing mediation services online and remain committed to helping you reach a child-centered resolution.

Stay well.