While they may ultimately be good for you, most resolutions:

• Losing weight;
• Getting more organized;
• Cleaning up the basement;
• Exercising;

include some level of unpleasantness. The outcomes are definitely positive, but the process to achieve them may be something you dread.

But, let me share a resolution that is both positive in outcome and in practice. This comes from Cheryl Brause, a gifted mindfulness and meditation teacher, who has assisted many in a practice that can help you face the many challenges of life. With her permission, I refer you to her latest blog: Joy On Demand.

{4:00 minutes to read} In New York, case law provides that when parents share equal physical custody of the children, the parent who earns more pays child support to the parent who earns less, based on the Child Support Standards Act.
If there is a great disparity between their incomes, that might make sense. But if there is less than a substantial difference and both parents need to maintain a household for the children, applying the statute can put one parent in financial peril.
Fortunately, in mediation, clients seek a resolution that will work for both of them. Here are some approaches to consider:

Substantially Equal Incomes

If both incomes are substantially equal, costs of housing, food and miscellaneous items could be paid by each parent. Then, the parents can decide what expenses they will share equally, such as clothing, extracurricular activities, tutoring, camp, work-related child care, medical expenses, medical insurance, and whatever other expenses the children incur that the parents think should be shared.

Small Disparity Between Incomes

If there is a small disparity between incomes, then the parties would need to discuss their budgets to see how each can maintain a suitable household. Once it is determined what one party would need from the other in order to pay expenses, including the pro rata cost of the shared expenses, the parties can agree upon an appropriate payment.

Sometimes, clients prefer that this payment not be called maintenance or child support. For some, these designations don’t seem to fit. Many choose to call it a housing supplement as a more accurate description.

Clients will also need to consider whether the need for that additional payment will continue or, just as with child support, change based upon future circumstances.

Substantial Disparity Between Incomes

If there is a substantial disparity between incomes, maintenance (spousal support) would be discussed. Also, since spousal maintenance may be needed for a shorter term than the support for children, child support would be discussed and determined as well.

It may, in fact, work out that payment of child support by the guidelines makes sense for them. In this scenario, the parent who receives child support pays for all of the clothing and other agreed upon expenses rather than the parties paying them equally. Another option would be to decide to make a lesser child support payment and then share the children’s expenses pro rata.

Payment Options

There are several options as to how agreed-upon expenses can be covered:

1. Use a joint credit card. Each party then pays his/her share at the end of the month.
2. Create a shared bank account from which each party is reimbursed for the expenses they have paid for the children.
3. Use a shared spreadsheet on which each parent accounts for the payments they made and then is reimbursed by the other.

I also discuss building periodic check-ins for both the parenting plan and support payments, especially in cases of equal parenting. Because clients need to work so closely together and be especially cognizant of how the plan is working for the children, they will want to review their plan and support on a regular basis.

{3:18 minutes to read} After my initial mediation training, I developed a sense of why I thought clients would choose to mediate their divorce. Since I was so invigorated by the knowledge of this amazing process, I assumed they would choose to mediate because they wanted to engage in a process in which they could learn how to communicate their interests to each other and then brainstorm creative resolutions to meet those interests in a collaborative and non-adversarial setting.

When I actually began working with my own clients, needless to say, I was a little disappointed to learn that the primary reason the vast majority of my clients gave for mediating their divorce was to lessen their costs. Not that I minimized the fact that cost is a very legitimate reason to mediate, but I unrealistically expected that clients would recite those same lofty reasons as caused me to choose to no longer practice in an adversarial setting and become a mediator.

Of course, most clients, in addition to reduced costs, would also provide some of these reasons as to why they chose to mediate:

• They wanted a speedier process.
• They didn’t want to deal with matrimonial lawyers.
• They wanted to make their own decisions and exercise control over the process.
• They wanted to avoid conflict now and in the future.
• And, most importantly, they wanted to minimize the harm to their relationship and to their family.

I also learned their reason(s) depended on when I asked the question. At an initial consultation or at the beginning of the process, cost might be one very significant, if not the sole, motivation. That makes sense, because without really understanding how mediation works, it may be difficult to understand the benefits, like the:

• Informality of the process;
• Desire to focus on the future rather than on blame for past actions;
• Desire to honor their past lives and shared time together; and
• Wish to preserve goodwill and to understand what was important to the other and why.

And while the motivation to mediate may initially be monetary, it can also change and develop over the process as clients understand the full benefits.

Whatever the particular motivations of the couple or whenever the question of motivation arises in the process, they should be discussed initially and throughout the mediation. When a difficult conflict arises and the parties are ready to give up, a reminder from the mediator as to why they are there and what they hoped to achieve can help get past that hurdle.

{3:54 minutes to read} Since I write so often about the benefits of mediation, I think it’s time that I acknowledge something I often share with clients at the initial consultation.

After I have explained the basics of mediation, I say that I think mediation can be a hard thing to do and commend them for making that choice. And while I firmly believe that it is the best option to resolve conflict, I’ll admit it’s still not an easy process.

What makes it hard?

1. You are spending a good deal of time one on one with the other person.

3. You have to make all the decisions.

Even though I do all I can during the mediation to make sure that both partners have all of the support they need to make good decisions, they are the decision makers. You can’t ask the mediator to tell you which option to choose, and while you can get advice from other professionals, the responsibility for the final decision is up to you.

Why is that hard work worth it?

1. You are spending a good deal of time one on one with the other person.

When the parties are in the same room, it’s much easier to resolve a conflict since they each know the levels of their acceptability as to an outcome. More importantly, after hearing the other’s point of view, you know the level of compromise you may choose. Attorneys negotiating without the presence of clients means a lot of time spent going back and forth between them before a settlement is made. And, don’t forget: that time is costing you money.

2. You are doing quite a bit of work.

Doing a budget and learning about your assets and liabilities is a good thing. If you were not the one handling the finances during your marriage, you may not have a firm understanding of the financial situation. This enables you to educate yourself about what will be a very important aspect of your life moving forward. It also forces you to set priorities and decide what future financial circumstances are most important to you and how you are going to achieve them.

3. You get to make the decisions.

Need I say more on why it’s a benefit that you decide the important aspects of your future?

So, like many things in life, mediation is not always a pleasant process to go through in order to achieve the outcome that you seek, but it is well worth the effort.

{3.36 minutes to read} I try to avoid jargon when working with clients. When I’m not successful, it’s easy to spot by the looks on clients’ faces when they have no idea what I’m talking about.

One of these is the phrase “add-ons to child support,” which I tend to use before offering an explanation. This is a very common phrase to professionals who work with separating parents. For the parents themselves, not so much.

The basic child support payment represents payment for the child’s expenses for food, shelter, clothing and miscellaneous items. In the world of child support in New York, add-ons refer to the payments that a parent must or may be ordered to make in addition to the basic child support payment under the Child Support Standards Act (“CSSA”). They are:

• Health insurance premiums for the child, and unreimbursed healthcare expenses;
• Work related child care expenses so that a parent can work; and
• Educational expenses.

The add-ons are variable, and some, such as child care, will decrease as a child attends school, and terminate at a certain age. Others, such as educational expenses (private school or college), will not come into play until a child is older or may not be applicable at all. This is why these irregular items are not computed as part of basic child support.

To the statutory list, parents often discuss other expenses to be shared between them, such as extracurricular expenses, religious education expenses, birthday parties and gifts, tutoring, school trips, tours, and camp.

• How much does each party’s budget leave for add-ons, especially when basing child support on a higher income than the cap of combined income under the statute?
• A pro rata sharing requires some degree of record keeping, so if parties are reluctant to do that, they may prefer that one pays one expense and the other pays another expense.
• Even if there is a disparity between incomes, an equal sharing may be called for because of other factors, such as the higher income parent paying for marital debt.
• If one parent has a much higher income, he or she may be able or more willing to pay for more extracurricular activities than the other could afford, so perhaps a limit of extracurricular activities would be in order or the more affluent parent will pay all or most of those expenses.
• Use of a state school tuition rate to cap a contribution to college expenses that a parent would be required to make.

Once again, parents themselves tend to know what is best for their family and their financial circumstances than what a statute may provide. Mediation allows parents to make decisions based on that knowledge rather than the statute’s guidelines.

{3:42 minutes to read} A couple of years ago, I was a member of a panel discussion regarding client intake in mediation and collaborative matters. The audience was primarily attorneys, and I mentioned that I provided an initial consultation at no charge. A matrimonial attorney, who probably had just a few more years experience than I, was incredulous. She said that she hadn’t given a free consultation since she was a “baby attorney.”

I guess I should have been insulted, but I wasn’t. I explained that when I represented individual clients in a matrimonial matter, I always billed for a consultation. At that meeting, we discussed substantive matters, and I provided valuable information over the course of a 1½- to 2-hour consultation.

When I started my mediation practice, on the other hand, I decided that I would provide an initial consultation at no charge for a process discussion of about a ½ hour. I continue to provide that service free-of-charge, because I think it is important to the clients, and it helps me in my practice. Here are some reasons why:

Most potential clients don’t know what mediation is all about.

I would say that the vast majority of phone calls I receive are from people who have heard of mediation and done some research online, but really don’t know how it works. In terms of furthering the practice of mediation, I think it’s good for as many people as possible to know the reality of what mediation entails and to get that information from an experienced mediator.

It’s an easy first step.

Even if potential clients know what mediation is and how it works, they may not be sure that it’s right for them. This consultation is an easy, no-commitment way to determine if mediation will be the best option for them and their children. Later, if they choose to mediate, they will have a level of buy-in from the knowledge they gained in the consultation that can help them through difficult conflicts.

It gives them an introduction to me, and me an introduction to them.

I can’t imagine deciding that you want to mediate with someone with whom you have only had a phone conversation, especially since it is likely that only one client would have made that call. It also provides me an opportunity to consider if mediation is appropriate for them and to get a feel for both parties’ level of commitment to and comfort with the process.

Before my very first meeting with potential mediation clients, I wrote a script which I narrowed down to an outline and kept under my notepad, as if I could surreptitiously glance at it to make sure I covered all the bases. Needless to say, I’ve become much more comfortable in these consultations since then.

But, the main reason I offer the free consultation to potential clients: I enjoy being able to share my knowledge and experience about a process that I truly believe is the best way for couples to obtain a separation or divorce.

{3:12 minutes to read} My first ritual of the fall entails my husband and I getting a flu shot, going out for brunch, and then going shopping for Halloween.

Just in case there is an area of the yard or a surface in the house that is not already adorned with Halloween decor, we are always on the lookout for interesting pieces. At this point we seek out things that are unique, clever, or attractive, like some vintage pieces or Day of the Dead figurines.

While we both rule out anything that is too “cutesy” like smiling pumpkins or ghosts, I also draw the line on things that are too creepy. My bottom line is always “nothing that would scare small children, or me.” So, legs meant to be the Wicked Witch of the West with Dorothy’s red shoes coming out from the side of the house like the house fell down on her is okay. Severed hands coming up out of the front lawn are a definite no.

This year, however, I saw quite a few items on a whole other level. They were extreme and gory, just for the sake of being extreme and gory.

• A disturbing and graphic zombie toddler, holding a bloody baby doll.
• A touch-activated zombie head, munching on a rat, which is waving its tail frantically and emitting a squealing noise as it is being devoured.
• A noise activated figure of an obviously dead, ghost-like young girl in bloody pajamas, eerily crying out “Momma.”

The fact that these horrific pieces were being displayed in stores frequented by children was mind boggling to me. By comparison, the Freddie Kruger and Jason characterizations from years past are quaint. These newer “decorations” are just so gross that I find it hard to believe that they are acceptable for retail.

I guess that now to be shocking and get attention means that you do have to be ever more extreme. Like some of the comments that are posted online, some think that you have to go beyond acceptable to be noticed. Or, sadly, like some of the outrageous things said by politicians and their surrogates.

When I litigated, I saw that extreme positions could be rewarded. I’m glad that I now work in a profession in which parties don’t have to be more unreasonable and more extreme than the other to get what they want. I prefer to work with people who are trying to understand the other and work towards a resolution that meets both of their interests.

{3:42 minutes to read} Dog training was never a strong suit for my husband or me, but our new dog, Toby, proved to be in desperate need of some consistent direction and attention. We hired a trainer to come to the house. I also dug out all of our training books and searched online for new techniques when some of the things we were doing didn’t seem to suit Toby or me.

One of the biggest challenges was walking him. We live in a pretty quiet neighborhood, but any sound, a car or, heaven forbid, child on a tricycle, made Toby so skittish. Once he got past his zone of comfort (two houses down the block), he began to pull back toward home and would bark like crazy at pretty much everything.

I was told that walking with a halter harness around his nose would help keep him calm and at my side, but he hated it so much that I couldn’t use it. He continued to pull and not stay along my left side, as I had been instructed was the proper way to walk a dog.

Finally, I came upon a website that resounded for me (and ultimately Toby). It provided that if your dog doesn’t like walking, maybe it’s because it isn’t fun for him. It suggested that unless you are entering a dog show, let your dog wander, run and sniff as he wants, and use constant treats and praise to acknowledge his doing a good job for literally everything he does correctly.

So, armed with tiny dog treats, we set out. As soon as we reached the end of his comfort zone, I encouraged him with a treat and praised him, letting him walk wherever he wanted. He did a little run on the grass alongside me and got another treat and praise. When he got scared and barked or if he pulled me, I stopped; and when he calmed down, I gave another treat and praise, and so it went. Little by little, he began walking with me like the other people walking with their dogs that I always envied. And he enjoyed it.

The treats have stopped, but he continues to receive an energetic "good boy” in acknowledgment of everything he does correctly.

Acknowledgment works with people, too. Think about the smile that comes to someone’s face when you tell them they did a good job and that you appreciate their efforts.

I see it with my clients as well. In the midst of a contentious mediation, there is nothing more striking than when a client says with sincerity, “He is a good father,” or “We’ve been able to save so much because she is so on top of our finances.”

We all want to be acknowledged for our efforts. It makes a powerful difference to the person hearing it, especially when an acknowledgment arises in the face of conflict.

{3:54 minutes to read} When I litigated, there were two times of year when I would receive quite a few calls from parents questioning a current or proposed parenting plan. The first was in December and centered around sharing the children during the holidays. The other, as the topic of this post indicates, was in September and centered around issues raised by the return to school.

Just like those unhappy children who have to leave the freedom of summer for the restriction of a classroom, there are unhappy parents who feel that access while school is in session should be different from access during the summer.

Most of the disputes I saw when I represented an individual client, and continue to see in my mediation practice, revolve around two issues in terms of overnight visits:

1. During the school year, the primary residential parent strongly argues in favor of stability, which to them dictates that the child always stays in one house on school nights. That way the child has a home-base, will always have what is needed for school in the morning, and that parent can better ensure that homework is done. To them, going back and forth during the school week would be detrimental to the child excelling in school. The other parent will argue that spending quality time with both parents trumps stability and that there is no reason why both parents couldn’t ensure that a child does homework and has all that is necessary to excel in school. 
2. The other issue occurs if the non-primary residential parent lives a distance away. Then the primary residential parent argues that it will be hard to get the children to school on time or that the child would need to wake up too early.The other parent’s view is that the child can nap on the trip and that again, having a consistent relationship of overnights with both parents warrants this minor inconvenience once a week.

While the conflict may be the same, the approach at a resolution is markedly different in a mediation as opposed to an adversarial process. The standard in both is the best interests of the child, but that can be more difficult to discern in an adversarial process.

In a court proceeding, the parent seeking the access may accuse the other of trying to withhold the children. The primary residential parent may accuse the other of being a bad parent who doesn’t care about the well being of the children. Not a great way to reach a determination that will work best for that family.

In a mediation, we keep the discussion on the child and not so much on the parent. Why is it important for the child to have that stability of a home-base? Why is it important for the child to have the continuity of contact with the non-primary residential parent?

When we speak in those terms, it is much easier to reach a resolution that is flexible and looks at both parents’ considerations about what is best for the children in an equal light.

{2:36 minutes to read} I am one of those people who enjoys the changing of the seasons, even when it means that summer is over.

However, I’m not one of those people who feel that summer is over on the 5th of July. Even if we measure summer as Memorial Day to Labor Day, there are still two full months of summer to enjoy after the 4th of July. Why not savor these two months when it’s still 90 degrees in the shade instead of focusing on winter coming?

Conversely, people who tend to see summer as over on July 5th don’t tend to see winter as being over January 2nd. In fact, it’s much easier for them to become mired in the inconveniences of snow and ice. They may have a tendency to dwell on what they perceive as negative periods that they have to endure and not recognize that there is a light at the end of the tunnel—and that at some point, they will get there.

I see this dynamic with certain clients who are unable to envision a future. I wish there were an easy way for them to recognize that all of the feelings they are experiencing, such as anger, sadness, fear and doubt, are likely to pass in time.

When in the negotiation phase of a divorce, it may seem that they will never be done with it. It is the first thing on their minds when they wake up, and usually the last thing they think about as they are falling asleep. It generally takes over any unoccupied moment of the day, or when they are involved in mundane tasks.

Once the agreement is signed, clients have told me that it is as if a weight has been lifted off their shoulders. Not that life gets suddenly easier, but their focus can now be on their life going forward in a different, but hopefully less stressful, way.

In mediation, because the focus is always on the future rather than past grievances, clients are able to get through the negotiation morass more quickly. They are able to make terms in an agreement that will make moving forward easier, and the “different life” one they can manage.