The Double Edged Sword of Taking Responsibility

{3:30 minutes to read} In a previous post, I wrote about the enormous impact that a sincere apology could have on another person. There is, though, a very significant step that must come first.

Taking Responsibility for Our Actions

While it’s true that many actions taken are in reaction to something someone else did or said, that doesn’t automatically give you a pass to behave badly. For one thing, you may have acted under a misinterpretation of what the other did. And, to channel my mother, “two wrongs don’t make a right.” While It’s understandable to become focused on the fault of someone else, you are still responsible for what you do. 

Keeping in mind that it’s a pretty rare situation in which one person is 100% at fault, it will make it very difficult for you to be willing to compromise at all if you feel you are totally blameless. And that will make for a problematic mediation.

It’s Also Not All Your Fault

As important as it is that you accept responsibility for your actions, it’s also important that you have an objective point of view as to what is not your responsibility to assume. It’s not helpful to lay all blame on yourself, and when I see a client doing that and giving in to the other’s demands out of guilt for an actual or perceived wrong committed, I’m concerned that down the road there will be resentment over the concessions the client made.

I have had clients who were so consumed with guilt that they made poor choices. As the mediator, I can reality test and point out the ramifications of accepting terms that will have serious financial consequences in the future, and have a discussion as to why they are agreeing to those terms — but the choice is always the client’s.

If you recognize that you may be accepting either none or all the blame in the relationship, you can then work on assessing what truly is your fault. Sometimes talking to someone else can help. Once that is established, you can make and accept proposals that are not based on wanting to punish the other or relieve your own guilt.