June 28, 2022 - 5:33 PM
Oh dear Clare, Dick shared this with me and it is so beautiful. Julie will always be in our hearts and in our work at Support Connection. She was one in a million. Thank you for sharing the message of hope as well in Julie's honor. Our counselors have all had cancer and they are there for anyone who needs them. Thank you again, Kathy
July 31, 2020 - 7:25 AM
Enjoyed this article because it points out something we often forget in regret....that no one says the outcome would have been different. Dwelling on the past is such a waste of time but we all do it. We can't change it. Hopefully, we learned something from it and move forward with our lives. The human experience brings joy as well as pain. The human experience is also finite so move on and live. Thank you for sharing this article.
September 26, 2019 - 8:37 PM
How wonderful! There is a great book (also available on Audio) called Blend, by Alicia Keys that talks about how she worked to create a blended family, through difficult but necessary communication. It really is so much better for the children, regardless of their ages!!!
April 30, 2019 - 2:43 PM
Bravo Claire! A thought provoking article - thank you.
April 27, 2018 - 1:34 PM
Brava Claire! You nailed it. Excellent article!
October 26, 2017 - 7:40 AM
Love the nesting idea...it is such a better way for the children not to suffer the parents problems. If both parents are responsible people and their disagreement is not because the other parent is a bad parent and they agree on issues concerning the children with an open dialogue on decisions regarding the children...this could be a great alternative to uprooting the children. Lots of "ifs" so there is a lot to consider before doing this but in a perfect world it sounds great.
June 30, 2017 - 8:07 AM
Great overview of addressing college expenses in divorce.
May 9, 2017 - 9:07 PM
Whether in mediation or therapy the only people who can make the decision is the client. It is a great resource to have the Mediator give them all the information and explain all the parts but the client must take those ingredients and decide how to use them. It is best for everyone involved that the decision can only come from the client. But isn't it a comfort to know that the Mediator can provide so much information and clarification of issues that everything you need is there. But personal responsibility for our decisions should be respected by all parties.
May 9, 2017 - 8:59 PM
It sounds so easy to be able to "discuss" the situation. There is so much emotion involved in not only divorce but losing a job that is part of your identity. It is losing everything at once...quite a shock. So, yes, it is the best solution to communicated calmly and wisely however this must be done with a qualified Mediator. The Mediator is experienced in handling the many emotions that are swirling in these circumstances. It's complicated but when cooler heads prevail there can be sound and fair solutions.
December 8, 2016 - 10:17 AM
There are a number of important insights here, and so clearly expressed. Your point about motives and intentions changing over time is so true, and is a reflection of how different mediation is from more adversarial processes. I would love to learn more about the long term impacts, if any, of mediation clients' experience of new ways of negotiating and handling conflict. My experience is also that people are often not very self aware during the times of crisis, and that most people are not aware of process as separate from their own experience. As mediators we are so focused on process and analysis that we can easily forget that most people do not share out world view -- and don't need to!
December 1, 2016 - 1:39 PM
I wholeheartedly agree with you We have introduced a mediation process that includes my services as a financial divorce specialist This take 'some' of the work burden off the couple however the positive of mediation is the engagement of couple in the mediation both at and away from the table Engaged involved informed clients are best clients Eva Sachs CDFA Mutual Solutions
November 3, 2016 - 12:01 AM
I support the views so clearly expressed by Clare and can attest to the effectiveness of that approach. After such an introduction which includes information on my background and my commitment to the mediation process the disputing parties tend to be willing to participate, even in instances where their Attorneys show little enthuasism. Jemelia Davis Attorney-at-Law, Mediator and Arbitrator Jamaica Telephone 631 6645
October 31, 2016 - 6:28 PM
I whole heartily agree that spouses often feel a strong connection to the pension earned from his or her job in contrast to other marital assets. Claire makes an excellent point that mediation provides a place where the emotional component relating to the pension may be shared and discussed facilitating exploration of options and arriving at mutually acceptable compromises.
October 27, 2016 - 11:53 AM
Excellent article, Clare. Like you I also provide a 30 minute consultation at no charge. The only requirement I have is that they come in together and that we limit the discussion to the mediation process and not discuss the legal or substantive issues they are facing. Sounds like you do the same thing.
October 3, 2016 - 5:31 PM
Brilliantly stated Clare. It can be confusing for clients when they look at the calculations and see the length of time a spouse would be "entitled" to maintenance. But as you say, there are a number of factors that need to be considered. As we know, mediation is their best bet to work this out together.
August 10, 2016 - 3:08 PM
I always tell my client that the law is for those who can't agree to something better. It provides "rules to live by" to those that can't create their own "rules". I wholeheartedly agree that in almost every instance a couple is better off crafting settlement terms that reflect their own values and life situation. Thank you for pointing this out in your article.
July 29, 2016 - 6:35 PM
It sounds like you are giving examples of very sane, fair minded, caring people. Perhaps mediation encourages this behavior. If that is so it is so worth going for mediation.
July 23, 2016 - 6:17 PM
Great post-I believe that many good decisions are arrived at post-mediation, as the parties have a chance to digest and reflect on what may have transpired.
February 27, 2016 - 5:10 PM
The last sentence in Ms. Piro's article is the most important yet least observed advice. Remember we are only human. You have permission to be kind to yourself.
February 27, 2016 - 5:05 PM
Ms. Piro is correct in that this is a parent problem and should not spill over into the child. Unfortunately, in divorce people are hurt and resort to childish behaviors using the children as pawns. A therapist can help you understand your responsibility as an adult. However, this only works if both parents act accordingly. It is difficult when one parent takes the high road but the other does not. Through mediation and therapy a good parenting plan will be beneficial to not only the children but to the parents as well.
February 25, 2016 - 9:43 AM
Clare, This is a great point to make. I am not sure how a couple can make informed decisions about their future without examining their income and expenses. It may not be pleasant but it is far better to find out ahead of time what will and will not work rather than after decisions have been made that can be hard to change. Dan
January 29, 2016 - 9:40 AM
Enjoyed the article, nice thoughts and it does give you a perspective on time and things that loom large and scary one minute often resolve themselves Good work!
August 12, 2015 - 4:21 PM
As usual I find Ms. Piro puts it all in perspective. Divorce is the most difficult process and yes, there will be frustrations and blames but moving forward is what will lead to healing. We can't change the past but we can all work toward a better future. Mediation seems to be the best alternative in such an unsettleing situation.
August 8, 2015 - 8:43 PM
Excellent post! Does it make a difference if the party asserting strong self determination is represented by counsel? I think so. If the party does not have an attorney, however, the described situation is more complicated. I'm not sure that the mediator can do more than carefully assess a party's capacity to negotiate and suspend the mediation if it is clear that lack of capacity is an issue. Absent an incapacity determination, wouldn't the mediator cease to be impartial by intervening and substituting his/her judgment for that of the self determined party? No doubt, this is a dilemma with no easy answer. Also, are mediation parties "clients?" My view is that they are not at least in the conventional attorney/client sense.
July 10, 2015 - 8:01 AM
Well put. These are very challenging issues. It takes the courage and maturity of the parents to see through the emotions and to work hard towards a concerted resolution. This requires an experienced mediator like Clare Piro.
June 30, 2015 - 1:36 PM
It is an interesting situation when one person isn't willing to accept a divorce. When my parents told the kids about the divorce for the first time, my mom made it clear that this was my dad's decision. Thanks for the interesting article about the issue. I was glad to see my parents get divorced so they could move on and be happy, but I have to wonder how the litigation/mediation went for them.
June 3, 2015 - 2:04 PM
Very interesting article, illustrates some psychological aspects of the situation
May 30, 2015 - 7:06 PM
Divorce can have effects on a child long after the divorce. Adult children are sometimes still haunted by divorce. As a Marriage and Family Therapist I appreciate the good work a Mediator can do. No divorce is good. A bad divorce is devastating . A Mediator can make a divorce a better divorce and possibly alleviate the pains that create problems later for not only the children but also the divorcing parents. Divorce should not be dismissed as a real option but it can create havoc. Do the kinder gentler divorce through Mediation. And remember Marriage and Family Therapists can also help.
April 18, 2015 - 7:49 AM
I don't much like it either when folks get exasperated like that. "A man convinced against his will is of the same opinion still." And often resentful!
April 10, 2015 - 7:35 AM
The personality types described in this article ring true. During crisis it is difficult to stop, breathe and recognize the strength, wisdom or insecurity that drive our partners. Mediation is the perfect referee. A calm voice between opposite corners is sometimes all we need to give assurance that the situation is controllable. It's like having a "grown up" in the room.
April 2, 2015 - 12:00 PM
Dear Clare Piro, I like what you say on this topic because it rings true based on my cross-industry experience. Right now, as a real estate agent for sellers, buyers, renters, tenants, I find that no-one wants me to solve his or her problem, but all of them want me to show them how to solve a problem themselves.
March 20, 2015 - 5:21 PM
I would heartily agree with you, Clare. I think doing mediation has changed my personality much for the better. I meditate as well as mediate, and I think each one influences the other positively. A wonderful synergy. And both make my life a lot better.
March 10, 2015 - 12:17 PM
Thank you for clarifying where mediation works with the law. After reading this post I could not imagine not going to mediation. Divorce is devastating but mediation is the perfect way to communicate without the harshness of lawyers just wanting a "win." Mediation is win-win for everyone. Thank you for another enlightening article.
February 7, 2015 - 6:02 PM
I totally concur! Well said.
February 7, 2015 - 5:59 PM
When a client can come out of a divorce a stronger person than when they went in it is a real positive. Divorce is devastaing and to not be destroyed but rather in someway be empowered it ican only help that person face the future. Mediation is a kinder gentler process.
January 26, 2015 - 3:21 PM
This is so true...you have covered the various scenarios and even though some are not pretty they are true. Counseling under all those circumstances can help. No one should feel alone which is a side effect of marriage breakdown. Your kind, calm approach to such a disruptive event is most comforting. Thank you for your sharing these thoughts.