The Consequences of Blame in Mediation

February 19, 2019 |

{3:00 minutes to read} In many cases, clients decide to separate as a mutual decision and come to mediation without assessing any blame or fault on the other. In many other cases, though, one party feels either that the other party is to blame (i.e., if the other person had an affair) or that the other person is at fault because he or she is the one who wants the divorce against the wish of the other to stay married. In those cases, a pervasive attitude of blame or fault can derail the mediation or at the very least make it a much more difficult process.

Assessing Blame

It’s understandable for an aggrieved client to want to explain why he or she feels that the other person is responsible for the demise of the marriage. But it’s not helpful if blame and the past is all that person wants to address. Mediation is not marriage counseling and since you are there to reach the terms of a settlement agreement, focusing on the past is not going to help you move forward.

Feeling That You Deserve More

It’s also understandable for someone to feel that since he or she wants to stay in the marriage, then it’s up to the other person to make all of the concessions. Not only is that not what the law provides, but more importantly, succeeding in your desire to make the other pay would not be in the best interests of you or your family.

Remember that your children will see each of your lifestyles when you separate. It’s not in their best interests to see one person’s lifestyle not change at all, while the other cannot afford to make ends meet and is living in very reduced circumstances.

Punishing the Other Is Not the Answer

As much as you may want retribution either for behavior that ended the marriage or just because he or she wanted to move on while you wanted to stay married, battling it out may not provide you with the satisfaction you think it will. You can make the other miserable or gain an advantage in terms of more property or support, but that may not help you and your family move forward.

The focus on past wrongs and letting aggrievement govern your decisions above all else tends only to prolong the process and make it much less likely, if not impossible, for the healing for you and your family to occur.

Instead, advocating for yourself and making proposals that work for you and your family is a positive step to take towards the future.

Clare Piro Attorney and Mediator

Attorney & Mediator
500 Mamaroneck Avenue | Suite 320
Harrison, NY 10528
Tel: 914.946.0848

Email »

« Return to Blog

Comments

Search

Topics

Mediation (142) | Divorce (132) | Separation (49) | Divorce Mediation (19) | Mediator (13) | Child Support (11) | Litigation (11) | Communication (11) | Separation Agreement (10) | Conflict (10) | Co-Parenting (8) | Consultation (7) | Attorney (7) | Prenup (7) | Parenting Plan (7) | Parenting (7) | Collaborative Divorce (6) | Clare A. Piro Mediation (6) | Clare A. Piro (6) | Marital Home (6) | Assets (5) | Children (5) | Family (4) | Marital Assets (4) | Separate Property (4) | Expenses (4) | Settlement (4) | Marital Property (4) | Agreement (4) | Finances (4) | Equitable Distribution (4) | CSSA (4) | Child Support Standards Act (4) | Blended Families (3) | Divorce Finances (3) | Family Court (3) | Divorce Mediator (3) | Clare Piro (3) | Compromise (3) | Divorce Coach (3) | Clients (3) | Estate Documents (3) | Parent Coordinator (3) | Listening (3) | Spousal Trust (3) | Responsibility (3) | Joint Decisions (3) | Divorce Agreement (3) | Relationships (3) | Mediation Myths (3) | Divorce And Children (3) | Financial Professional (3) | Child Consultant (3) | Child Inclusive Mediation (3) | Negotiation (3) | Prenuptial Agreement (3) | Emotions (3) | Informed Decisions (3) | Fairness (2) | Selling The Marital Home (2) | Inheritance (2) | Moving Forward (2) | Will (2) | Surviving Spouse (2) | College Expenses (2) | Apology (2) | Estate (2) | Anger (2) | Unrequited Love (2) | Right Of Election (2) | Mediate (2) | Budgets (2) | Law Professionals (2) | CDFA (2) | New York Child Support Statute (2) | Entitlement (2) | Step-Father (2) | Equal Parenting Plan (2) | Collaborative Practice (2) | Pandemic (2) | Humanity (2) | Grace (2) | Joint Decision Making (2) | Spouse (2) | Child Support Standards Act (CSSA) (2) | Calculating Support (2) | Attitude (2) | Anxiety (2) | Separation Agreements (2) | Bitterness (2) | Post-Divorce Income (2) | Spousal Support (2) | Mediation Benefits (2) | Seperation (2) | Settlement Agreements (2) | Couples (2) | Budget (2) | Legislation (2) | Conflict During Mediation (2) | Step-Mother (2) | Change (2) | Trust Issues (2) | Mediation Versus Litigation (2) | Agreements (2) | Step-Children (2) | Consulting Attorney (2) | Truth (2) | Certified Divorce Financial Analyst (CDFA) (2) | Custody (2) | Family Occasions (1) | Honest Conversation (1) | Fairness Evaluation (1) | Objective Standards (1) | Needs And Interests (1) | Pension Plans (1) | COVID 19 (1) | Compromise In Agreements (1) | Retirement (1) | Retirement Plans (1) | Child-focused (1) | Pensions (1) | Legal Rights (1) | Divorce Agreements (1) | ADR (1) | Presumptive ADR Program (1) | New York Family Court (1) | Family Court Presumptive ADR Program (1) | Alternative Dispute Resolution (1) | Pension (1) | Actuarial Company (1) | Qualified Domestic Relations Order (QDRO) (1) | Impartiality (1) | Objective Standards In Mediation (1) | Parenting Styles (1) | Advocacy (1) | Empowerment (1) | Lack Of Focus (1) | DecisionMaking (1) | Separate Property Credit (1) | Personality (1) | Coparenting (1) | Perspective (1) | Opposites (1) | CoParenting (1) | New York’s Child Support And Maintenance (1) | Child's Best Interests (1) | NYs Child Support Guidelines (CSSA) (1) | Child Support Payment (1) | Non-Residential Parent (1) | Custody Determination (1) | Primary Caretaker (1) | Elder Mediation (1) | Older Parents (1) | Domestic Violence (1) | A Neutral (1) | An Advocate (1) | Children And Divorce (1) | Co-parenting (1) | Parenting Schedules (1) | On-Duty Parent Responsibilities (1) | Transition Day (1) | Well-being (1) | Child Wellbeing (1) | 50/50 Parenting Plan (1) | Eldercare (1) | Older Adults (1) | Facial Expression (1) | Tone Of Voice (1) | Communicating (1) | Family Mediations (1) | Income Level (1) | Postnuptial Agreements (1) | Depression (1) | Languish (1) | Waiving Spousal Support (1) | Mediating Emails (1) | Child Focused Mediation (1) | Pathological Liar (1) | Anxious Thoughts (1) | Tough Decisions (1) | Expectations (1) | Joseph Goldstein (1) | New Year’s Resolutions (1) | Intention (1) | Feelings (1) | Thrive (1) | Support Add-ons (1) | Consulting (1) | Spousal Infidelity (1) | Unfaithful Spouse (1) | Parenting Agreement (1) | Financial Impropriety (1) | Spousal Support Payments (1) | Mediation Caucus (1) | Significant Others (1) | Introducing Significant Others (1) | Divorce Terms (1) | Divorce Agreement Terms (1) | Mediation Friendly Attorney (1) | Regrets (1) | Breast Cancer (1) | Ovarian Cancer (1) | Hope (1) | Review Attorney (1) | Postnup (1) | Default Provisions (1) | Support (1) | Marital Asset (1) | Speak Up (1) | Buyout (1) | Inflation (1) | Children Of Divorce (1) | Interest Rates (1) | Partial Buyout (1) | Buyout Options (1) | Post Divorce Budgets (1) | Credit Against Child Support (1) | Real Estate Buyout (1) | Real Estate (1) | New York Divorce Law (1) | Lowest Acceptable Offer (1) | Meditation (1) | Concession (1) | Separate Asset (1) | Real Estate And Divorce (1) | Self Reflection (1) | Active Listening (1) | Self Compassion (1) | Joint Ownership Post Divorce (1) | Support Connection (1) | Cancer (1) | Separate Living Without Divorce (1) | Disagreements (1) | Rights Of Inheritance (1) | Ideas (1) | Righteous Anger (1) | Kindness (1) | AcceptableOutcome (1) | Mediation Process (1) | Matrimonial Practice (1) | Beliefs (1) | Saving Grace By Kirsten Powers (1) | Learning From The Past (1) | Financial Professionals (1) | Short-term Marriage Divorce (1) | Bonuses (1) | Pro-Rata (1) | Judge (1) | Kirsten Powers (1) | New Year Resolutions (1) | Court (1) | Happiness (1) | Contentment (1) | Divorce Needs (1) | Collaboration (1) | Biggest Regrets In Life (1) | Decision Makers (1) | Regrets In Life (1) | Being Heard (1) | Successful Mediations (1) | Commitment (1) | Being Understood (1) | Holding On To Regrets (1) | 50/50 Parenting (1) | Parent Coordinator (PC) (1) | Final Decisions (1) | Daniel Pink (1) | File A Petition (1) | Emotional Trauma (1) | Cohabitation Agreement (1) | Cohabitating (1) | Unmarried (1) | Commissions (1) | Court Order (1) | Commingling (1) | Married Couples (1) | Joint Physical Custody (1) | Hurricane Harvey (1) | Transmutation (1) | Maritial Property (1) | Negative Communication (1) | Divorce Papers (1) | Retirement Account (1) | Maritial Assets (1) | Compassion (1) | Nesting (1) | Seperation Agreement (1) | Payments (1) | Moving On After Divorce (1) | Extremes (1) | Unemployment (1) | Moving On (1) | College (1) | Contribution (1) | Parents (1) | Disclosure (1) | Joint Legal Custody (1) | Installment Agreements (1) | Custodial Parent (1) | Intervention (1) | Dreaming (1) | Therapy (1) | Financial Situation (1) | Husband (1) | Married (1) | Affair (1) | Bankruptcy (1) | Wife (1) | Beneficiary (1) | Life Insurance (1) | Accusations Of Delay (1) | Tentative Agreements (1) | Permanent Agreement (1) | Temporary Agreement (1) | Lack Of Trust (1) | Financial Costs (1) | Settlement Term (1) | Settle Agreement (1) | Joint Account (1) | Fall (1) | Conflicy (1) | Equality (1) | Balance (1) | Control (1) | New York State (1) | Mindfulness (1) | Year In Review (1) | Self-talk (1) | Advice (1) | Blame (1) | 2015 (1) | Self Determination (1) | Self-determination (1) | Equity (1) | House (1) | Finding Love After Divorce (1) | Post-Divorce Dating (1) | Mental Health (1) | Specialist (1) | Holidays Post-Divorce (1) | Alone At The Holidays (1) | Difficult Clients (1) | Relocation (1) | New York (1) | Holiday Blues (1) | Summer (1) | Scared Of Divorce (1) | Marriage (1) | Resolution (1) | Kids (1) | Fear Of Divorce (1) | Acknowledgement (1) | Halloween (1) | Power (1) | School Year (1) | Scarcity (1) | Abundance (1) | Effects On Family (1) | Older Dogs (1) | Adopt Shelter Dogs (1) | Dogs (1) | Living Together (1) | Living Apart (1) | Divorce Law (1) | Grandparents (1) | Baby Boomers (1) | Settlement Agreement (1) | Personal Relationships (1) | Mediation Misconceptions (1) | Social Distancing (1) | Maintaining Calm (1) | Coronavirus (1) | Complicated Finances (1) | FinancialPortfolio (1) | COVID19 (1) | Matrimonial Cases (1) | Custody Disputes (1) | Multiple Assets (1) | Meditate (1) | Property Distribution (1) | Prenuptial Agreement (Prenup) (1) | Collaborative Process (1) | Attitudes Toward Prenups (1) | Asset Distribution (1) | Fiancé (1) | But (1) | Equitable Distribution Statute (1) | Parenting Plans (1) | Parenting Post-Divorce (1) | Apologizing (1) | Holiday Co-Parenting (1) | Social Security Assets In Divorce (1) | Parental Holiday Sharing (1) | Holiday Season (1) | Separating (1) | Guilt (1) | Cultural Holidays (1) | Religious Holidays (1) | Agreement To Mediate (1) | Technical Difficulties (1) | Mediating Virtually (1) | Mediating Onine (1) | Power Of Regret (1) | Couples Counseling (1) | Maggie O’Connor (1) | Global Pandemic (1) | Career Change (1) | Returning To The Workforce (1) | Remain Healthy (1) | Lack Of Communication (1) | Understood (1) | Heard (1) | Unhappy Relationship (1) | Marital Concerns (1) | Court Vs Mediation (1) | Family Enrichment (1) | Attitudes (1) | Significant Other (1) | AttorneyPresence (1) | Remarriage After Divorce (1) | Taking Responsibility (1) | Emotional Attachment (1) | Dividing House Asset (1) | Ex-Spouse (1) | Accepting Responsibility (1) | FamilyMediation (1) | MediationSession (1) | Dishonest (1) | Little White Lies (1) | Lies (1) | Public Trust (1) | Spouses (1) | Work Stress (1) | LawyerDivorceMediation (1) | Matrimonial Dispute (1) | Perfection (1) | Holiday Preparations (1) | Divorce Assets (1) | Refinance (1) | Lawyer (1) | Fear Of Separation (1) | PostNup (1) | Post Nuptial (1) | Mental Health Professional (1) | Family Law Software (1) | Needs Vs Wants (1) | Court Process (1) | Financial Documents (1) | Financial Information (1) | Time To Process (1) | Patience (1) | Buyer (1) | Cash Flow (1) | Interest Payments (1) | Equity Loan (1) | Seller (1) | Telling Your Spouse (1) | Marriage Counseling (1) | Frame Of Mind (1) | Reluctant Spouse (1) | Caucus (1) |

Connect

Online Mediation Available

I am providing family and divorce mediation services online. Click to learn more.