914.946.0848  .  contact  .  map & directions  .  subscribe  . 

Iím Ready to Get Divorced, but My Spouse Isnít. Part One - Getting Started

September 5, 2013  | 

It’s rare in my practice for both parties to be in the same frame of mind about getting a divorce. Most often, one person is more prepared for the process and the separation, and the other party may not even have come to terms with the concept that the marriage will come to an end. What can each of them do?

When I used to litigate, you needed grounds for divorce, and if the person who wanted the divorce had no grounds and the other person was hesitant to divorce, then the person who wanted the divorce would either have to stay married or be prepared to make a very generous settlement offer. Now, New York has no-fault grounds for divorce, but the parties need to settle all parenting and financial matters between them before a divorce judgment will issue on the grounds of irretrievable breakdown of the marriage.

Similarly, in mediation, you can’t proceed unless both parties agree to the process. That does not mean that I have not seen a client who clearly states from the beginning that he or she doesn’t want the divorce but agrees to mediate because they see the inevitability of divorce and prefer mediation to litigation.

What if your spouse refuses to accept the inevitable? If you haven’t already done so, you can try marriage counseling as long as you are honest in your motives. Sometimes marriage counseling can help the reluctant party recognize that the marriage is over. If that doesn’t help, you can see if your spouse is willing to have a consultation with a mediator even if he or she isn’t fully committed to the process yet. Sometimes, just seeing that you are serious about wanting to end the marriage and are taking steps in that regard helps the other person accept that the marriage is over. Finally, you may just have to be patient and give the other person some time to get to the same point as you, but you should be sure not to give the other person mixed signals even though you are remaining in the marriage.

What if you’re the person who doesn’t want the marriage to end? Again, I would definitely suggest marriage counseling if you haven’t already done so, and again, you need to be honest with your spouse about your motives. If that is not an option, you may benefit from individual counseling to help you understand what is happening and help you act. A divorce coach who is trained in helping a person deal with the process of divorce, be it through litigation, mediation or collaborative practice, could also be of help.

The bottom line is that mediation will take as long as it takes. I often first get a call from one party and then weeks or even months go by before they make the first appointment for a consultation. Then more time passes before they tell me they are ready to mediate. Like all facets of mediation, the timing and pace of mediation sessions are completely up to the parties.

Clare Piro Attorney and Mediator

Attorney & Mediator
500 Mamaroneck Avenue | Suite 320
Harrison, NY 10528
Tel: 914.946.0848

Email »

Comments
Search
Topics
Divorce (72) | Mediation (71) | Divorce Mediation (12) | Mediator (11) | Conflict (9) | Child Support (8) | Separation Agreement (7) | Litigation (7) | Consultation (6) | Clare A. Piro (6) | Clare A. Piro Mediation (6) | Collaborative Divorce (6) | Separation (5) | Parenting (4) | Family (4) | Children (4) | Finances (4) | Attorney (4) | Divorce And Children (3) | Clare Piro (3) | Expenses (3) | Communication (3) | Clients (3) | Child Support Standards Act (3) | Settlement (3) | Seperation (2) | Couples (2) | Legislation (2) | Child Support Standards Act (CSSA) (2) | Relationships (2) | Apology (2) | College Expenses (2) | Divorce Mediator (2) | Moving Forward (2) | Mediation Benefits (2) | Truth (2) | Assets (2) | Custody (2) | Agreement (2) | Mediation Versus Litigation (2) | Bitterness (2) | Calculating Support (2) | Post-Divorce Income (2) | Step-Children (2) | Step-Mother (2) | Step-Father (2) | Divorce Finances (2) | CSSA (2) | Settlement Agreements (2) | Conflict During Mediation (2) | Unrequited Love (2) | Certified Divorce Financial Analyst (CDFA) (2) | Anger (2) | Mediation Myths (2) | Wife (1) | Financial Situation (1) | Intervention (1) | Custodial Parent (1) | Husband (1) | Affair (1) | Lies (1) | Little White Lies (1) | Dishonest (1) | Mediate (1) | Public Trust (1) | Personal Relationships (1) | Dreaming (1) | Married (1) | Settlement Agreement (1) | Bankruptcy (1) | Settlement Term (1) | Tentative Agreements (1) | Accusations Of Delay (1) | Lack Of Trust (1) | Permanent Agreement (1) | Temporary Agreement (1) | Joint Decision Making (1) | Joint Legal Custody (1) | Installment Agreements (1) | Financial Costs (1) | Co-Parenting (1) | Life Insurance (1) | Spousal Support (1) | Beneficiary (1) | Parenting Plans (1) | Spouses (1) | Joint Account (1) | Settle Agreement (1) | Divorce Coach (1) | Therapy (1) | Holiday Preparations (1) | Telling Your Spouse (1) | Reluctant Spouse (1) | Frame Of Mind (1) | Marriage Counseling (1) | Seller (1) | Buyer (1) | Equity Loan (1) | Interest Payments (1) | Cash Flow (1) | Patience (1) | Time To Process (1) | Family Law Software (1) | Financial Information (1) | Budgets (1) | Financial Documents (1) | Mental Health Professional (1) | Lawyer (1) | Post Nuptial (1) | PostNup (1) | Fear Of Separation (1) | Refinance (1) | Divorce Assets (1) | LawyerDivorceMediation (1) | MediationSession (1) | FamilyMediation (1) | AttorneyPresence (1) | Matrimonial Dispute (1) | Perfection (1) | Anxiety (1) | Work Stress (1) | Spouse (1) | Blended Families (1) | Significant Other (1) | Ex-Spouse (1) | Marital Home (1) | Dividing House Asset (1) | Emotional Attachment (1) | Accepting Responsibility (1) | Taking Responsibility (1) | Attitudes (1) | Family Enrichment (1) | Remarriage After Divorce (1) | Separation Agreements (1) | Commingling (1) | Budget (1) | Agreements (1) | Dogs (1) | Holidays Post-Divorce (1) | New York (1) | Blame (1) | Advice (1) | Self-talk (1) | Adopt Shelter Dogs (1) | Older Dogs (1) | Baby Boomers (1) | Grandparents (1) | Divorce Law (1) | Living Apart (1) | Living Together (1) | Listening (1) | Compromise (1) | Effects On Family (1) | 2015 (1) | Year In Review (1) | Change (1) | Finding Love After Divorce (1) | Difficult Clients (1) | Relocation (1) | Specialist (1) | House (1) | Equity (1) | Mental Health (1) | Post-Divorce Dating (1) | Self-determination (1) | Equality (1) | Alone At The Holidays (1) | Mindfulness (1) | Balance (1) | Control (1) | Self Determination (1) | New York State (1) | Consulting Attorney (1) | Abundance (1) | Scarcity (1) | College (1) | Nesting (1) | Compassion (1) | Contribution (1) | Joint Physical Custody (1) | Moving On (1) | Disclosure (1) | Parents (1) | Hurricane Harvey (1) | Married Couples (1) | Retirement Account (1) | Divorce Papers (1) | Parenting Post-Divorce (1) | Maritial Assets (1) | Maritial Property (1) | Marital Property (1) | Separate Property (1) | Transmutation (1) | Responsibility (1) | Unemployment (1) | Summer (1) | Kids (1) | Parenting Plan (1) | Fear Of Divorce (1) | Marriage (1) | Holiday Blues (1) | Resolution (1) | Scared Of Divorce (1) | School Year (1) | Power (1) | Moving On After Divorce (1) | Payments (1) | Seperation Agreement (1) | Extremes (1) | Fall (1) | Halloween (1) | Acknowledgement (1) | Conflicy (1) | Negative Communication (1) |
Connect